Party Store, Liquor Store, and Busting through a Police Blockade
it was a usual saturday, juliann decided that she wanted to
have a wine and cheese party tonight and sent me out to get
some alcohol and party favors. now you'd think it'd be no
problem for me to do small things like this but it really is
too much for me. for some reason i really don't enjoy being
in party stores, i'm just not a party-goer and these stores
make me uncomfortable. mainly i find them kind of
distasteful. i mean think about it..here we are in america
able to choose between 15 different fucking plastic
tableclothes, 32 varieties of party favor packages, and 250
different balloon designs, while in some other part of the
globe some people only get to choose between 10 different
fucking plastic tableclothes, 20 varieties of party favor
packages, and only a mere 100 different balloon designs.
the balloons were really the problem here. i just wanted the
good ole kind that you could blow up by yourself. after
about 5 mins i was frustrated to no end that i couldn't find
the balloon section in a party store. i finaly saw this
huge banner that said, "inflation station" and decided that
i should check it out. it was run by a man of about 30
years of age who looked like he had some tied up boys in his
basement. he creeped me out the second his rancid breath
hit my face. i went ahead and tried futily,
"i would like some balloons."
"shhhuuuuuuureee, youuuuu, just pick.....them out....."
he had this way of speaking where he elongated short words
and took deep breathes between every two words. freaky. i
looked at what he was pointing to, which was a
conglomeration of about 250 balloons, neatly categorized by
the occassion. i noticed that it woudl cost me 8 dollars
for 12 balloons.
"do you have any i could blow myself?"
the second i had said it i had regretted it, he gave this
creepy smile and said,
"shhhhhuuuuurrrreeeee, youuuuuuu just have.......to go....to
aisle..........," i waited with expectancy, "4".
i went there and foudn that i could get 72 ballons for 2.50.
christ. who the hell needs 72 balloons? what are people
hoarding balloons in this country? so i could either get 12
already inflated balloons for 8 dollars or, 72 for 2.50.
next came the liquor store. i almost laughed out loud as i
noticed that they had shopping carts out in front of it.
who the fuck needs a cart for a liquor store? the laughter
ended as i entered the establishment. everyone had their
shopping carts filled with fine wines, rich liquors, and
premium beers. i realized that i was out of my league
already. i went quickly to get the champagne juli wanted
and i was perusing the section i jumped as someone (all of a
sudden right next to me) said,
"may i help you?"
i turned to see an old guy with his old wife; their shopping
card was packed with alcohol. i'm not kidding they had
about 20 wines, and 10 liquors. i gaped at their cart for a
second, and responded,
"ummm, i'm just looking for a champagne."
"A champagne?" the elderly woman asked, raising her eyebrow
in mock concern.
"i believe he means, a GOOD champagne." the old guy said and
chuckled. i don't know if it was being near so much alcohol
but i instantly liked these two people, they seemed to know
how to have a good time, even if they were 200 years old each.
"i really need something good, but...uh, cost effective?"
the couple smiled and the guy moved me down the aisle with
the elderly lady gently leading me with a hand on my lower
back as if she were leading a mentally retarded man to the
"here ya go!" he yelled triumphantly. he held up a korbel
that was 10 dollars. i looked incredulously at it and he
sensed my concern.
"now you may think that it is ludicrous to get a name brand
right?" i managed a nod. "but you see, the thing about a
competitevely priced name brand is that it has to maintain a
certain level of quality to distinguish it if it really
wants to win the price wars." man this guy had it going on.
"notice this sign." i squinted to read a little notice next
to the price it said, "due to the aggressive pricing
policies of this brand we are not able to honor any
"you see, this particular brand prides itself as being the
best of the w--- i knew he meant to say 'worst' but instead
caught himself and said, 'most cost effective'." he grinned
triumphantly and then added, "you DO know that it's not
i told him i had seen wayne's world enough to know this and
he almost lost his 'good lung' laughing.
so then i'm driving back to the apartment when i realize a
huge backup. i hate backups, i act like my dad, freak out,
and ride the emergency lane all the way to my exit. so
naturally once i found the first escape i took it. i saw
the flashing lights in front of me and just figured it must
be some dumbass accident again. i swerved through some
backroads i knew thanks to my many walks (it is true, keith,
the more you walk the more you know your area) and finally
popped out on main street.......right in the middle of about
5 cop cars. they had me surrounded and one of them was
screaming at me to stop. i stopped and politely rolled down
"HOW DID YOU GET HERE!!???"
"ummm, i took tolston, to heathwood, and then u-turned on
7th to ummm..."
"IS ANYONE ELSE IN THIS CAR WITH YOU?!"
i looked into the plainly viewed backseat and said,
"OK, NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO. YOU'RE GOING TO
GO AROUND MY CAR AND JUST KEEP ON GOING!"
i went ahead and took his advice. i wonder what it was that
they were making the blockade for?