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So today you would think i would be more productive. But i
haven't been i feel so out of it. I had been working on my
paper for class earlier today and then i stoped just because
i kept thinking about how my Jeff isn't up here. He is back
home, in Pomona (P-town as he calls it). Well i think its
stupid... i'm starting to think that maybe i wasn't pregnant
and that they screwed up. I am just thinking that maybe i
can't get pregnant... that i am staril. That i will never be
able to have kids, not saying that i want to but i want to
know that i could. It sucks, i want to have it.. i mean if i
really was, i wish i could have kept it. I just want to
crawl in a cave and get to it.
I want to be somewhere else.. I wish Jeff was here. I know
this sounds stupid, but i do love that sucker. Yet i don't
want him to pick up on it. I don't want him to know that i
like having him around me... even when he is mad at me, just
because he has this way of being that i love. Yeah but you
are not allowed to tell him, just because i can't explain to
him or to anyone why i get mad at no reason and i want to be
alone. But i don't want to be alone, i just want someone to
be there... i mean to take the responsibility for what i do
once. Not sayint that i'm a kid,just want someone that
would/will treat me all lovely and all. I just want someone
tha would be able to put up with my moods. I just want
someone to care for me the way other people care for me.
What if i was not pregnant? What if i was? I don't know what
to say... i want to know the truth who lied to me? Was it a
mix up and if so where was it done? At the Health Center or
is it at the Clinic... I just don't know what to say or do..
I bet i look like a complet lier to my Jeff but fuck i
didn't know i mean if i was lying i don't know. I just hate
it all.. I hate it to think that i would have lied to Jeff.
It just bugs me, specially since i was not consious of it. I
can't stand the idea that i did ... if i did.