emieloo

I'm Doing it For Me...
2005-03-05 05:17:33 (UTC)

Lonely

I can't even begin to describe how lonely I am. I don't
even think there are any words that can express these
feelings I have. No matter how many people may surround
me, I still feel this deep loneliness. I feel like there
is something missing, like I'm not whole. Whenever people
ask me how I'm doing, all I can do is shrug. Because I
don't know. I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I'm not ok, I'm
not fine, I'm not angry. I just feel incomplete. At the
risk of sounding "Jerry Maguire"-ish (but it's ok because
I have never seen it), I feel like he completed me. I
don't know how else to say it. I feel like a huge part of
me is missing, and there's nothing I can do to get it
back. And that makes this whole thing even harder. I
know just what I need to fix this ache, this loneliness.
But I can't have it. So I can't fix it. I just want this
feeling to go away, but seriously, I don't think it ever
will. I can't even begin to imagine how the rest of my
life could be with this feeling constantly present, this
disconnected, isolated, abandoned, incomplete, lonely
feeling. My heart has been broken before, so I know how
that feels, but this is not the same. It is a different
kind of pain, and the only way I can put it into words is
by saying that I'm lonely. Over and over, I keep trying
to tell myself that if we are meant to be, then we will
eventually be. And in my heart of hearts, I feel like we
are meant to be. No matter what anyone says, or what bad
memories my mind conjures up, or how much I try to
convince myself that it's over and he's not coming back, I
still feel it. It hurts.


What do you do when the person who you believe is the love
of your life and whom you feel that you are destined to be
with forever and ever doesn't love you back? How do you
deal with that?

i miss you. i love you...




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