Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-03-04 16:30:24 (UTC)

I LOVE LINWOOD BARCLAY!!!

The guy just cracks me up. This was pretty humourous, all
the way through, but the last paragraph made me spit out my
Coke and pizza and fall on the floor laughing... :)

Thank you, Mr. Barclay, for making me laugh today. :)

K2

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Missiles aside, Canada, U.S., agree on Godfather III


LINWOOD BARCLAY

The Liberal government in Ottawa, starting to feel its neck
a bit about always saying no to the Americans, is busily
drawing together a list of things on which our two
countries do, actually, agree.

"Just because we have said no to participating in President
Bush's ballistic missile defence system," Prime Minister
Paul Martin said this week while trying to decide whether
to wear his blue socks or his black socks, "doesn't mean,
for a moment, that there are not many areas on which we see
eye to eye."

That's why, when Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew
recently met with U.S. Secretary of State Condeleeze Rice,
he took with him, from the Prime Minister himself, a
preliminary list of what the Liberals are calling "mutual
areas of agreement."

It's hoped that, once the Americans see how much we really
do have in common, they'll be more willing to overlook that
we chose not to back them on the Iraq thing, and most
recently, the whole ballistic missile thing.

Here are some of the issues on the list where the Liberals
believe they're in sync with the Bush administration:

The first two were terrific, but the third Godfather movie
should never have been made.

Once in a while, if you go outside in the summer without
sunscreen, it's not going to kill you.

If you have a huge bite of super cold ice cream, you're
going to get a wicked brain freeze.

If you get to a four-way stop at the exact same time as a
woman driver, even if she's coming from the right, nine
times out of 10 she'll wave you to go ahead first.

No matter how hard you try to pick the fastest one, your
checkout line at the grocery store will always turn out to
be the slowest.

The Oscars are too long, we didn't see any of the Best
Picture nominees, either, and what they charge for popcorn
at the big movie chains is nothing less than an outrage.

When you're at the airport, hanging out around the baggage
carousel, your bag is always the last to come out.

Measure twice, cut once.

Once in awhile, we'll grant you, it's true, France can be a
bit annoying.

Whatever you think of his films, Michael Moore could stand
to lose a couple of pounds.

Paper cuts hurt like the dickens.

A smile is just a frown turned upside down.

You can sit around all day waiting for the cable guy to
arrive, then you run down the street to mail a letter, and
when you get back there's a note on the door saying, "We
were here, where were you?"

The Liberals say this is just a partial list, that there
are countless other areas where they agree with our
neighbors to the south, and even where there isn't total
agreement, they can agree to disagree.

"For example," an official in Pettigrew's office
said, "we've always been partial to the second Darrin in
Bewitched, played by Dick Sargent, as opposed to the U.S.
position, which is that the first Darrin, played by Dick
York, was better. But we don't see this as getting in the
way of our ability to hammer out trade agreements, move
ahead on security, that sort of thing."

As for Prime Minister Martin's most recent denial of an
American request, the government feels it's necessary to
formally name its policy of refusing to sign on to the
ballistic missile defence system, while still participating
in missile defence through NORAD, and still expecting the
United States to protect us in the event of a catastrophe.
The policy will be known as "The Suck and Blow at the Same
Time Proclamation."

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Linwood Barclay's column appears on Monday, Friday and
Saturday. Email: [email protected].




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