patebum

My Life as a Bipolar
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2005-03-04 14:58:25 (UTC)

First entry-this feels a little strange being online for a diary....

I am okay today. I feel pretty up without mania. My
energy level is very much better. My meds right now are:
Lamictal 200 mg daily
Gabitril 6 mg daily
Klonipin 1 mg daily
Paxil 12.5mg daily
Seroqel 200 mg at night
Wygesic prn pelvic pain.

Am I up a little because of the Wygesic? I don't know,
just not knocking it!
I actually slept last night, so hard I had trouble waking
up. I can't remember what I dreamed. I had a dream night
before last that was disturbing.

I dreamed I was out with Wayne and we were supposed to be
together, but Peggy Murray(sister) was out with up at this
really upscale clup. They had a shop in the bar(kinda
like Hard Rock does, and I picked up this really cool hat
without paying for it, and walked out. It was ok, I
didn't get caught. Peggy was just hanging out, not
talking to me or Wayne or anyone. Anyway the night
progressed and I danced with Wayne and everything felt
right like it used to. Then Peggy puts on rollerskates
and starts skating right there in the club(Austin Powers-
Goldmember). Then Wayne ignores me and dances with other
women much prettier than me with great bodies.Peggy
doesn't come back and I am at the table alone. Then Wayne
tells me we are not together, and "I don't know why you
think that" and I had to leave alone. Another abandment
dream, imagine that....

After 9 years I really should be able to let him go, even
in my dreams. But he won't go away. I wish he would die
so Tera could say "my dad's dead" instead of knowing he is
total deadbeat loser.

I am not working right now and do not want to. Income $0.-
what to do? File for disability, that's what to do, but
the paperwork seems like a mountain I can't get over.

Dad's having two inguinal hernias repaired today at
Hamilton. It's supposed to be one day surgery, but I have
my doubts. God, I hope it will go well. He won't be able
to lift anthing heavy for weeks, putting a heavy load on
Mama. I should help, but I don't know how to and she
won't tell me how.


Tera got off to school this morning in her usual cheerful
way. I pray she will be untouched by my bipolarism. She
is such a confident angel. She is my heart.

Today I will go up to the hospital in a little while to be
with Mom during the surgery. Then I will pick up Tera at
school. An ice cream cone after school thrills her to no
end. She is so happy about the smallest of things.

Pooh


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