Joe-GW

life of an addict
2005-03-03 22:55:08 (UTC)

Notebook

Ok so here is some pages from my notebook. nothing was
changed. this stuff was all writen after november, but im
not sure when exactly each where written. anyways here it is


My life is a giant blur I see through foggy glasses. I
spent eight years alone now i can't spend one moment in
peace, exept when im with Her. I still feel like the little
kid trying to stay bussy. The one with no friends, that the
TV parented and the computer brothered.

---------------------------------------------------------

I feel like the only reason my mother cares about my well
being is so she can sleep at night. Last night I came to the
realization that people from my church seem more like family
the my parents or my whole family, exept dave. He's been
more of a father than my real dad.

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Hiding in the shadow of the mask i made myself.
Bleeding through the creases is the life I keep inside.
Truth is false and lies are real, they are in charge,
in command of this practice life.

---------------------------------------------------------

I've been here, once before
these thoughts, this pain, the shame all in vain.

I've known you, once before
your face, your voice, your tears that i've caused

I can't seem to get away,
from this agony that comes from this place.
you can try to save me but you wont
becuase you live here yourself.

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Why did you conceive me? was i just a mistake, that you
thought you could go about your life and not do anything for
me. Why did you take me out of school and away from my
friends and a normal life? I think you just wanted me to be
alone, and forever stay your little "Boe" that would always
love you no matter how much you ignored him.

---------------------------------------------------------

I feel like my life has been going on and I've been left
out. The only time i feel real is with Her. Yet again I'm
keeping the problem out of my mind when its what i should be
dealing with. although maybe I should enjoy the life i have
while i have it.

When I was young i wore a mask, keeping the truth just out
of view. but now I see around the lies.

My soul is old and torn, drained and weak. Longing for a
time long past, a life not my own.

My life has been compiled of small bursts of happiness for
material things, then i feel empty. Now I realize I've been
making friends with stuff and treat my "friends" like
things, objects, Exept for Her. I want to give Her
everything but i cant. all I can give Her is the real me,.

I really want to say goodbye to "this" person. I will with
your help. So many people watching, I wonder what they see?
Depression is a road well known to Him. I wish I could just
tell Her how i feel but He is weak and shy. This time He
can't break his promise and leave, and finnaly free me.

---------------------------------------------------------

Welp there it is. the ----'s are to seperate the pages. but
yeah i gotta go home and get ready for church. cya




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