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Diet Turbo Tea can make you do some crazy things
so now that i'm spending at least one day of the week at
gold's gym, i'm beginning to meet some interesting people
there. take for example ray, he's a huge, ripped man who
benches about 3,000 lbs, all thanks to (i think) diet turbo
tea. ray accosted me as i was doing flies on the fly
machine. it's the machine and not the free weights so that
you don't hurt yourself if you're being stupid, a great
invention in my opinion.
yet ray didn't believe in having any machine keeping him
from hurting himself. he came raging towards me such a
manner that i had to quickly recall the last 50 women i'd
slept with in case one of them could have been married to a
6'2 250 lb. cement wall in a blue shirt that was currently
steam rolling towards me.
he stopped short of the machine just as i finished and shouted,
"MIND IF I WORK IN WITH YA!?"
"no, that'd be fine."
he nodded curtly and proceeded to put a tattered notebook
down, followed by about 3 gallons of water, and a pretty
large bottle labeled, "diet turbo tea".
he made sure his gloves where on tight (which seemed
unnecessary for a machine but oh well), moved the little
stick down to about 3,200 lbs, sat down, took a swig of diet
turbo ice tea and proceeded to crush the fly machine. when
i say crush, i mean CRUSH. he let out a bellow, shortly
after which he would slam the two handles together which
caused the whole machine to shake.
"ARGH!" SLAM! "ARGH!" SLAM...this went on for about 20
reps. finally he stopped. sat stock still for a second and
got up and chugged about a gallon of water.
"so what's in that diet turbo tea?" i said trying to
alleviate the embarrassment i felt for being close to this
guy. the second i said it i felt worried that he'd think
that i was implying that possibly he had a syringe full of
roids in the bottle that stabbed him in the lip whenever he
took a swig to give him the necessary energy.
"OH MAN...THIS IS GOOD STUFF! YOU EVER TRY IT? IT JUST
KEEPS ME GOING! YOU KNOW? AFTER A HARD DAY? SOME GUYS
LIKE TO DRINK TO UNWIND, BUT NOT ME I LIKE TO WORK OUT AND
SOMETIMES I NEED ENERGY TO DO THIS AFTER LOADING BRICKS INTO
A TRUCK FOR 8 HOURS A DAY!!!"
i realized that he could only scream in ways of
communicating, and secondly i realized that this man was
insane. i nodded nicely and went about my reps. i had done
about 6 and was on my 4th set and about to stop when all of
a sudden the maniace was directly in front of me screaming,
"COME ON MAN!!! COME ON!!! YOU CAN'T TELL ME YOU DON'T GOT
TWO MORE IN YA!!! COME ON!!!"
i did one more out of sheer terror and feebly attempted
i got up with my arms shaking and he was already half-way on
the seat, shaking his diet turbo tea quite vigorously. he
took a swig of it in the manner that most people take a shot
of rancid cheap ass gin, just to get drunk, only he was
using it just to keep juiced.
things really got awkward near his third set. by now he was
doing flies with about 5,000 lbs, with his eyes buggin' out
so hard i'd thought they'd pop out of his skull and do reps
of inclined bench while the rest of his body stayed there.
his face was so red i thought he was going to paint the
entire gym with his capillaries. he was shaking like an
epileptic on his 18th rep of his 3rd set, and the 19th
finally did it. he gave one of those "phew," where you know
the last reach of his physical ability was about to go into
this rep, and let out a, "HEEYAAAHHHHHH!!!" and i swear to
god i heard something rip. he kinda stopped and i saw his
lips tremble. he let go of the handles and just kinda sat
there for a second.
then he said, "alright....now that's a good work out" in the
meekest voice i've ever heard. i decided to just kind of
give a courteous nod again and amble off, leaving him with
his hernia as he sat on the machine, apparently wondering if
it was humanly possibly to walk out of the gym after you've
torn your back in half.