Joronas Temnra

2005-03-03 01:32:04 (UTC)

A forest of sorrows

I'm standing, alone in a crowd. Not because I have to, but
because the only people that I dare let close don't want to
be there. One's married, and I wish her the best.. I'm glad
she's found someone.

The other I wish more than the best, and I wish would stand
with me.. because she's the one I want to be with. I want
her. I need her. I love her. A day doesn't pass that I don't
crave her -- and that craving just grows worse. But she
won't accept it.. and I don't know if I'm strong enough to
walk away anymore. Not and stay whole. I don't think I have
been for a long time.

Once upon a time, we crossed the lines of friendship.. and
she refused to let me run away, although we only stayed as
friends. It was only 10 months ago.. March 5th or so, 2004..
that we became something more than friends, and I was happy.
Truly happy. It lasted.. 3 months. Just three months. But
even that isn't enough to tear me apart.. no.

Not even discovering fully how tightly bound we are to one
another did that.. But I'm being torn apart now.. and all
it's taking is not talking to her.

I know what happens when I let people inside. I can't
inflict a bond on another person.. I can't risk leaving
another person hearing, feeling, my thoughts. I can't cope
with someone else pulling away. So I can't let anyone in.

I am alone, standing in a forest made of sorrows.
I am alone, surrounded in a crowd that I dare not let in.
I am alone, bleeding from wounds to the soul.

I am alone, staring at the back of the only person who can
see me.