Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2005-03-02 14:28:40 (UTC)

Wednesday - Deromedary Day

Did I even spell that right? I think it sounds so much
better than "hump" day. [Ed.'s note: it's actually
spelled Dromedary, not deromedary...] I'm tired. Didn't
sleep that much last night and as predicted at a small tiff
with bf over my audacity to put music on last night. More
on that later. It's kind of funny, in an annoying, slap-
stick kind of way.

Ran into one of the people who works here that I actually
like on the train this morning. We talked a bit. That was
nice. She shocked the living hell out of me the other day
by randomly saying we needed to have lunch some day. I
mean, that's so cool, but you're like, 40-something and
don't know me? But she likes me for making her laugh, it
would appear. It was also really nice, when I left the
last place I stayed for any length of time, a couple of
people wanted to take me out for lunch...shocks me. I
don't understand why - and didn't expect it...at all... but
that made me laugh, so someday, we'll have lunch. I
think. God, she even told me it was on her list of things
to do! [-falls over, floored-]

[-sigh-] I don't know what to do. I am now having guilt
issues over keeping this diary and writing in it the things
that I do, about my boyfriend, about YWSNBN (it just
occurred to me that I think I left off the last "N" on that
acronym all through my last entry)...not so much about me
or my parents...but about my bf and YWetc....I don't know.
I just don't know. I have never wanted to be unkind or
rude or dishonourable to anyway, nor disrespectful or any
of the other descriptions I am having recall problems with
at the moment. I swear, I swear, my goal has always been
to make people feel good when they are around me, to make
them like being around me (despite my rants, raves,
depressions, moods and darknesses), to make them feel good
about themselves...

And I'm failing. At least I'm failing on an internal
level. I know that I am a dishonest fucking cheating
bitch. I can only imagine my horror if I were to find out
someone were writing something like this about me online
for the entire fucking world to see and read and print out
and commiserate over and mock and moan about and say, "See,
women are all the same..." or "The poor bastard isn't going
to know what hit him when the scheming bitch finally walks"
or some such other horrible thing.

But I'm not happy. Maybe it's because I'm greedy. I don't
know. Wanting my cake to eat it too. I don't know.

What I do know is this. I hate my job. I hate myself. I
hate the mess I've made my life. I hate the lack of
motivation for anything, even those things I want the
most. [An aside: procrastination and perfectionism are
highly linked - go figure... I'm an ace at both... one of
my major problems in school - uni... The mental being, if
I don't do it I can't screw it up - but doing it will force
one to see one's failings...phone hang on... [and a
discussion ensues about former lives and Tunisian camel
jockeys...bizarrely funny...LOLOLOL...]

tbc...hopefully soon... [-sigh-]

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