Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2005-03-02 06:16:38 (UTC)

Sing, Sing, Sing (With a Swing)

Right. I HOPE this will be short. If it IS short, I
think I'll owe someone - many people - dinner somewhere,
given how many will bet against the hoped-for brevity of
this entry... [-lol-]

As I write this, I'm reading IOL online, and there are
some very bizarre stories tonight. Woah...[-lol-]
Perhaps if I get a chance later, I'll make a note of some
of them.

Had invited my mother to come with me to the symphony
tonight. They were playing Sentimental Swing - a tribute
night to big band standards, essentially. My mother grew
up adoring American Bandstand and swing music before that
(well, she wasn't quite around during swing, but you know
what I mean) and I thought it might be nice to take her.
We were meant to see a movie a few months ago now, and it
never happened. This was back when some startling - or re-
startling - family news came out and she was feeling
rather needy about being with someone who cared, I would
say, and so I said I would go with her. I never in my
life would have thought she and I would end up with the
relationship we currently have. When I say all my life, I
mean the first 16 years. Sometimes I forget I'm a decade
older than that now. [-sigh-] We used to be very close
and got along great. Now we are strained and I'm worried
that it's never going to right itself. We've been like
this almost ten years. It's terrible. I used to blame
just myself - though am slowly realising it is not all my
fault, DESPITE what everyone seems to want to have me
believe. ANYWAY. (I run the risk of getting stuck into
this passionately if I keep on with it - which would
likely delight some members of my loyal following of TWO [-
lol-], but I don't have time, I'm so sorry, forgive me,
please!) I thought she might want to go to the symphony
with me. I can get tickets for cheap through the "youth"
programme the symphony offers and so it was a cheap and
easy way to spend some time with my mom without having to
run the risk of talking and having to feign interest,
fight tears, or otherwise get into situations I would
rather not have found myself battling. I bought the
tickets. She told me on the weekend there was going to be
a big snowstorm and so maybe she couldn't come. I didn't
think she sounded too enthused about going in the first
place which confused me. But okay. I asked her the next
day and she said, no, she was looking forward to it, just
had had to check her calendar when I was asking her. She
still didn't sound enthused. Then she called me up about
the snow storm. Then we talked about it the next day.
Today she asked me how much the tickets were and did I
have someone else to go with. I lied and told her I did.
They weren't expensive, that isn't a lie, but there are no
refunds, even for my measley $10 per. [-sigh-] So I
don't know. She didn't want to drive in the snow. I get
that. But I thought the whole point was that she might
have not gone in to work, at which case she wouldn't want
to drive all the way downtown. But she did go in to work
and she was already downtown and that is where the concert
hall is, and bloody hell, at one o'clock she calls me and
says she's going home, do I have someone else to go with
and did the tickets cost a lot? I was not surprised.
Disappointed, yes. Surprised, no. I do understand that
she wanted to go home and why and under other
circumstances perhaps I would react better...but I feel a
bit (more than a bit!) kicked in the teeth over this. I
said to my bf - she might really be interested in coming
and I just don't see the excitement. What do I expect?
Fireworks? Well, actually, YES. You're my MOTHER. You
are always wanting to do things with me and always trying
to suss out ways to "make things better"...but yet, you
don't come. Yeah, I'm hurt. Fucking deal with it. I
don't care if I'm being mean. I'm upset. That and my bf
was sick - fucking he's always sick when the symphony
comes around (okay that is unfair) - and stayed home from
work today and over the course of the last couple of days
has said repeatedly, I would have gone with you but I
don't feel well... He never feels well. When the fuck
is ... oh ARGH. I shouldn't have to convince him it's not
normal to always everyday say something is a bit wrong. I
used to be like that. I still am but I fight it every
day. My mental health sucks but at least the physical is
getting better. Part of it was just mental fucking
discipline. I decided one day, literally and out of the
blue, that I was sick of always not feeling right.
Whatever. Made a few minor changes and have less
instances of "not feeling good"s. Also...the not feeling
goods...are to me the same as the "I'm feeling a little
bit better"...I don't know what it is...a fear of
everything being okay, or not having to be taken care of
or no reason to give him sympathy or what the fuck, I
don't know. I am just getting bitter and bent out of
shape for no reason (or ones that are grossly exagerated).

(Okay, I am now moving on to Pretoria news...)

So anyway. No one came with me. In fact, no one went at
all. The house was probably only 60 to 70 percent full,
maybe 75. I don't know. I suck at that kind of
estimate. It set 2630 on a packed night, including
seating in the choir loft. There was about 3/4 of the
main floor and parterres filled, and half, maybe, of the
mezz and balconies filled. I know that adds up closer to
75 thnan 60 but there was also a lot I couldn't see...
Likely a function of the weather and the fact that Pops
concerts, inexplicably, sell a lot less than "real"
concerts. Go figure. Even the youth programme sees the
difference. I asked for an opinion as to why that is and
the answer was that it's sometimes a status thing. Young
people want to prove they know what they are doing when
they go to the symphony. Makes sense. Usually at the
volunteer table where they hand out the tickets for the
youth programme, there are 2 volunteers and a staff member
and hundred of tickets. Tonight there was 1 volunteer
and a staff member and maybe 50 sets of tickets. In
contrast, when they symphony played Mahler's 10th (a
difficult listen even to the best trained ear...Mahler is
great, don't get me wrong, but he's tough going... I mean,
it's like comparing Harlequins to War and Peace... okay...
I didn't just call some of the greatest jazz ever written -
and done so by my idols - as Harlequins...I meant Pops v.
Mahler...ach, you KNOW what I mean already, shit!)... when
they played Mahler's 10th (the Cooke completion, btw),
there were 3 volunteers and a million billion tickets
(something akin, anyway...)...

The concert was pretty good. A weird atmosphere, with the
hall so empty but the symphony, as per, was great. I love
those guys. The music was a bit weird...I'm such a jazz
fan that it can be hard to listen to my favourite classics
taken and arranged for orchestra - but it was different
and I liked it. The girl in front of me (I had an entire
row to myself...LOL...goddamn it, I even put in a special
request for good seats b/c my mom was coming...[-sigh-])
said at the end, not bad, but she didn't like the strings,
she listens to so much regular jazz that it was hard to
comprehend. I concur, but then, they weren't trying to
play it like the original for the most part. Whatever.
Some top class talent guest starred tonight and the
conductor was great and funny and hell, it got some jazz
back into my soul, so I guess all in all I can't really
complain, now, can I?

Except I can. At this moment in time, the only person I
really wanted to share the evening with is the only person
who is completely unavailable to me right now - right
now? forever - and it hurts. But...I guess you have to
take what you can get. No one ever said this life would
be easy. And so I imagine YWSBN there beside me, his hand
on my thigh, whispering in my ear on occasion, and it made
the hurt a bit less hurty. [-quiet laugh-] Hurty.
That's stupid, even for me and my mad up words.

The heart is a blood complicated thing, you know. I hate
it. I about had a fucking meltdown over the situation
today on the phone to YWSBN. I guess if I'm referring to
this person in the 3rd person and not the 2nd (as in
direct conversation) it should more correctly be HWSBN but
whatever. They are one in the same. I love my bf. I
always will. I don't think we are right for each other.
He had a nightmare last night that I left - not amicably -
and never came back and when he woke up he was scared it
was true and mightily relieved to see me still in the bed
beside him... I do love him. Tenderly and sweetly and
lovingly kind of love (lovingly love, another good
one) ... and he does his best for me, I know, for the most
part, and I do it for him, for the most part, but there is
something missing. We are best friends, when we remember
we are ... and when we remember that we get along great.
But too often we live like it's a business relationship
and despite our counseling sessions and this and that and
the other, I don't see that either side has much
motivation for change. I do love him. I just don't know
that I'm in love with him any more. HWSBN, however, can
say hello and my heart races. Yeah, it's different.
Yeah, there's the secrecy element and the fleeting moments
element and all of this shit, and the fantasy element and
the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... The point is...
I know now for a fact that something's missing with me and
my bf, not just for a thought. I used to wonder. Now
I've seen it. It upsets me. It would devastate him. I
hate being a fucking bitchy cheater. I hate it. But I
can't let go of HWSBN. It's too complicated. He's closer
to me than anyone in the world. Also my best friend -
that above anything, really. There is no physical. It's
impossible. He understands me in a way no one else can -
he's got a dark side, too, and it's such a welcome relief
to be able to explain to someone and know that they get it
and aren't just dongi their best and saying "we'll get you
through it". Dark sides suck, but when you meet someone
who can understand...oh god...I couldn't possibly give
that up, let alone everything else. I know with him, if
things are really falling to shit, all I have to say it
that the darkness is crowding in and he'll understand on
an intellectual and emotional basis. Most people can't
completely understand on either. I don't think you can,
unless you've been there. I don't know. I wish it didnt'
have to be this way. I think I know that's a stupid
statement b/c it DOESN'T have to be this way. But I don't
think it's fair to deny myself something I desperately
need when I'm not getting it from the person I live with.
I may be justifying, but I also know that HWSBN has
stopped me on many occasions from cutting or worse - and
that when no one else could have. Is that not at least
worth something? A lot, even? Do I not even get that
small ac...ac...acquiecense? No...acknoweledgement?
No... god I don't know the word. My vocabulary recall is
sucking worse and worse. I'm seriously getting worried...

I need him. That much I know. But it all leaves me with
the guilt complex to rival that of any saint or sinner.
And that hurts, too. Terribly.

The heart is a complicated thing, my friend...and all that
bullshit because I wanted to say that the person I would
have asked to come with me couldn't have come anyway. [-
sigh-]

I'm exhausted. It's 0100 and I need to have a shower in
the morning.

Sleep tight, my friends. Until we meet again,

K2

P.S.: To QB from NZ - I've been meaning to write to you
to give you a giant THANK YOU and to tell you how much
your note made my day but of course I've been remiss. I
hope very much this one leaves you yet again on the edge
of your seat and feeling that same power and passion...I
doubt very much that this particular one is anything more
than drivel and more drivel...but...I'm exhausted!!! I
hope to be better on the interest scale tomorrow...!!! Do
go well, mon amie... :) Always, K2

P.S.2: remind me sometime to explain the unbelievable
flash of clarity and inspiration I was hit with wrt MAE
the other day...woah... K2

P.S.3: Short? [-snorts-] I told you I couldn't do it...
[-lol-]

P.S.4: am going to try to put some soft music on while I
fall asleep. I give it 20 seconds before bf wakes up and
grumps at me to turn it off...goddamn it he never even
listens to music before bed any more. Can't sleep with
it, he claims. Yet we used to do it all the time.
FUCKING HELL I'M GETTING DEPRESSED AGAIN.

P.S.5: just in case there was any doubt left...I HATE MY
FUCKING JOB. GGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT
!!!

P.s.6: a prime example of why I don't like spending 1 on
1 alone time with my mother. She called me at work to
tell me she wasn't coming. And proceded to tell me that
she and my father have finished their counseling and he's
happy and she's happy and they are good and they are all
happy and blah blah blah and I finally said, great, we can
talk about this later... I don't want to hear it and my
reactions weren't good enough so she kept saying it until
I reacted right but I wasn't about to b/c I was at work...
but...I don't like hearing this stuff. Hate it, in fact.
Not sure I should have to hear it, either. Not entirely
convinced it's a daughter's place. Not sure though.
Don't knwo. Fucking hell I'm tired. MAE and IR are
finally calling me again - now that I am too tired to do
anything but dream of them. I wish, soemtimes so badly,
that I could plus my brain into a canvas and reel
everything I see out onto that canvas...it takes so long
to write it all down...but what I am seeing is so fucking
brilliant and inspired and...just...those are big words,
coming from something I CREATED...er, about something I
created...you know what I mean...big words, coming from
me, given how much I dislike myself. It was even hard to
enjoy the symphony, b/c I could only think of how fat and
I ugly I was, as I sat there. It was not nice. [-sigh-
] But what I see now...it's good shit...AND I DON'T WANT
TO LOSE IT! So, I am going to go to bed and dream about
my girls now...god I love them so...Always (for real this
time) - K2


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