I was happy.
Silly sentence really.. true enough though, and the best way
to describe the way I was the 25th, 26th and 27th.. happy.
Well, maybe not the best. There was also a tremendous amount
of frustration and fear, but the frustration is normal and
the fear.. well.. I'm always afraid when I'm with one of the
people that I've let too deep inside me.
I miss her. A lot.. and I don't know what to do about it. I
didn't even mind the frustration that came with being close
to her but not being close to her, to be a friend.. maybe a
little more.. but not what we would have been eight or nine
months ago. I want that back.. more than I can really admit.
I'm tired of holding 'I love you' inside, where it won't
scare her away.
I'm tired of feeling my demons twist inside their chains,
trying to break free and tear me apart. I don't think anyone
could really understand how tired I am.. and she's what
keeps me going. Not what keeps me alive.. but what keeps me
going. Keeps me whole inside, no matter how much I'm
twisting and cracking.. haven't broken yet. Story of my life.
She put me back together once.. I wonder how this dance will
end. I wonder if this dance will end with me broken again. I
wonder who'll put me back together if it ends the same way
the last one did. I wonder who I'll dare let in if it happens.
Every time I've let someone in, all the way in, I've bonded
to them. And something more with her.
The trees, the bay, screamed at me to claim her, to bind her
fully a a mate. They screamed at me to 'claim my mate'.
I wish I hadn't left.. I wish I'd been able to listen.