Jessica Smith

Behind the Mask...
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2005-03-01 16:18:35 (UTC)

thoughts

here i am i have so many feelings all bottled up inside and
no one to tell them to. i still feel ashamed for what i
did. i am now about two months late with my period and this
scares me because we used protection and now i am late this
really scares me. Who do i talk to who ddo i trust i am
scared or paranoid nevertheless afraid. I don't think that
it's possible i think about suicide a lot more again. i get
in a problem too deep and i want a way out/. i don't
actually want to die but i just want all the emmotionsto go
away. i smile on the outside but inside i am crying. i am
being eaten from the innside out. i am afraid that pretty
soon it will start to show up on the outside. then
everyone will know. i haven't been eating and when i do eat
i vomit everything i ate back up. Nobody knows this right
now but me i just don't know what to do any more. i really
don't haveone to talk to. i try to punish myself run myself
to death burn my flesh cut my flesh no food. my skin
doesn't cut real well anymoremaybe the knife is just too
dull. I hate the way i look, i will not go to a public pool
where people know me. I am too fat to wear a swimming suit
i have to lose 40 lbs i cant stand to look at myself any
more i am so ugly i am not sure how much i weigh right now
so i will go check its gotta go NO MORE FOOD!!!! this is a
mental game i am going to win i have to i have to resist
temptation i have to succeed at something i am not a good
student actually i am a horrible student i am not a hard
enough worker at work even though i run mmy butt off of
course i am not athletic or graceful i am horrible at
anything regaurding music. why can't i be good at
something i just want to succeed but i will always fail
maybe this time i wil win. just maybe


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