heartbeat21days

Diana's Online Diary
2005-03-01 02:27:53 (UTC)

What a day

Life is a rollercoaster, and today it took me for quite a
ride. Miserable this morning... I wake up every morning
and think about what my day is gonna be like and it
usually blows and today was no exception. I didn't get
much sleep last night because my mind was racing. Kohl's
is so different to me now. It isn't fun anymore... it's
kinda just getting paid for wandering around, picking up
clothes, and thinking. I do a lot of thinking there.

Work was good, I got good feedback from the work I'd done
while Leanne was sick. I left at 2pm because of the
snow. When I got home I talked to him for like an hour,
then made the mistake of reading his online journal. I
really need to stop this. One day he's happy, the next he
is talking about all these problems he has with her, the
next he's in love again. I need to stop reading his
journal because it's not good for me. I keep getting my
hopes up. I thought they would have split by now, based
on the way he was talking a few weeks ago, but I guess it
isn't gonna happen so I have to stop thinking about him
for now and some day if they break up maybe I can tell him
how I feel... and maybe he will tell me how he feels
too. When we broke up I thought a big part of it was
because he just lost interest in me. I still don't
understand what the hell happened. I get the feeling
sometimes that he cares about me, but since we've started
talking again he hasn't told me how he felt so I am kinda
basing all this on a feeling. But i know him, he can't
tell me anything while he'swith someone else. I feel like
there's something there so I can't help but wait to see
what happens. Most of last year I thought I was waiting
for something that would never happen and finally it did.
I don't wanna give up and miss out on something that could
someday be something wonderful. But I had to block him
this afternoon. Not a permanent thing. I just needed a
little break this afternoon after reading the latest
journal entry. I think I'll unblock him tommorrow. Maybe
if I don't think about him for the rest of the night I can
sleep well tonight, and wake up thinking about something
different for a change. Like I told Holly, "no more k's!"
We gotta break away from the K... lol she knows what I
mean ;-)




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