Mind problems
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2005-02-28 05:14:21 (UTC)

Let see what has happen...

The little life that i have... lets admit its little. I hold
no value in anyones eye but my own. So let's see i left off
last year with boyfriend of the time breaking my heart
(asshole). To make up for all the heart break i started to
do the college thing... go party. Yeah sounds lame and all
but i do what i have to do. That's the way i meet Jeff thats
the New BoyFriend but i hate giving him that title so we
just call him the boy. Yeah sounds like im putting him in an
inferior position but ehh some one has to be in that
position and for a change its not going to be me. So there!

So yeah the boy, which i really feel hard for just don't
tell him that cause he will not let me hear the end of it.
At least that's what i think. I think i'm afraid that he
actually feels the same way about me, i mean i know he does
but it scares me because i don't think that i should be
loved like that. I mean i have given him such a hard time
its not even funny. There was a lot of drama that was done
between the both of us at the beginning and i don't know
why, i know i caused it all. Really i did i manipulated the
situation to get an outcome... well at least i did not know
that i would get that outcome but i did know that after it
was way out of my hands. I did try to fix it but whatever i
did at any point just ended hurting my relationship with
someone until they took care of it. Which really sucks
because i feel bad that i became a stereotype and got Jeff
mad, dissapointed in me. I mean i could have taken it from
anybody else but not from him just because he has a way of
saying things that tend to bug me and i don't know how to
react to it. I think its that he is honest to me or at least
i think he is. He says he is, and that he hasn't felt like
that for anyone in a long time but i don't know sometimes i
think for my actions to him i deserve for him to break my
heart. Not just break it but tear it out and make me a
mockery since that is what i deserve for the way i treated him.

We got together on October 29, 2004 and it was fun it was
after a party that his organization put on it was fun. Just
that i was getting so much attention, just not by him but by
anyone that saw me... well not really but im going to say
that i was getting that type of attention. In reality the
only attention i got was from Sal, Roque and Jeff. It was
fun though because after the party i was going to hit up the
after parties but i was in no mood and just wanted to come
home and hang out. Eventually my Jeff came to spend the
night and the the next mornign he asked me to be his girl
friend. I said yes but now that i think about it i really
did want him to ask me even though i will still tell him to
this day that i just said yes because i had never been asked
to be with someone. Which is a lie of course because i did
get asked but i always seem to make it out as if i asked
because indirectly i did. But that is not important the
point is that i did want Jeff to ask even though i din't
think it would be so soon. I mean i though in maybe a month
later but i am not complaining one bit. I loved that he did
and that he wasn't afraid that he did. Since i was being
mean and being all ignorant of the question and saying well
i dont know are you asking type of thing.

I broke up with him in Jeanuary the wednesday or thurday
before my birth day. Just because i made a bet and i felt
that i had to live up to it and i didn't want to look like a
flake and i was like wow; that i did i mean that is no not
like me to do that. So i had to explain everything to Jeff
and tell him that i was sorry for my actions and slowly i
have had to prove myself to him that i do like him that i
love him and that i don't want to lose him again because as
vain or however this may sound, I love Jeff and i love being
around him. He really makes me feel like no other, just that
i don't know why i have to be so difficult with him. I think
its just in me to lack the ability to verbalize my emotions
to people i care for; i guess i still have a fear of getting
hurt. I mean it is a risk im willing to take but its not
like its something you plan- to be hurt by someone- but
sometimes you have to take that first leap. Yet i know that
the first jump is always the hardest just because you don't
know what will happen and you could be jumping just to fall
and get hurt. Well that a little price to pay to see if
there is a person out there for you.

Well to keep on pace - a rapid one- let me go on and tell
you what else did manage to happen. Me and Jeff did get back
together on January 14 and it was not a memorable getting
back together but it was nice. He stayed out in the mist
waiting for me to get the right words to express myself that
i do want to be with him and that i am sorry for whatever i
did to that damaged our relationship. Which i must honestly
say was very "romantic or him" well not that it was in the
mist but that he stayed til i was ready to talk. Which i
think its the most wonderful thing he could have done. So
we got back together and it was hard to get him to trust me
-not to say that he does- but he does show that he does
trust me more then he did when we got together for the
second time. Yet in spite of it all i love that sucker.

So Less then a week ago i discovered that i was pregnant and
that i was about 6-8 weeks. I was completly lost for words,
everytime i though about it a tear would seam to roll down
my cheek. I wish that he could have been the first person to
have heard the news but it did not work out like that at
all. He was the fourth, which i felt really bad to make him
such a number while my x was the first then two of my
friends. Which makes one wonder why such a thing could
happen to oneself. By this i refer to just that i, me! could
have a child in my womb, something that is mine, that no one
could or can deny its mine. I mean it really makes you look
at the world in a different way. Makes you grow up as fast
as possible in the shortest amount of time. Which is weird
because you never - at least i never ever though that i
could be pregnant and much less be a mother to some one. To
some one that would come out of me. That i would be
responsible for the life of someone, if they lack something
it would be on me to provide for their needs for their
wants. This is not the beginning of what im going to say...
i mena you have to understand i am 20 just turned in january
to be told that you are pregnant. That on your birthday you
could have/ most likely were pregnant; do you know what that
does to a person? I mean to you realize what situation i was
in? Either to Keep a child that was mine and Jeff or do i
get rid of it? Do i have the abortion? Well i did the
cowardly thing... i got rid of it in less then a week from
when i found out i was pregnant. I feel so empty after such
a decission, i mean to be unable to say that i could raise a
child. I mean i committeed murder thats all i did.. I did
not take the responsibility to take care of myself, to
insure that it would not happen and when it does i could not
be able to raise it and do the right thing. I am not human i
am no better then mucus. I am not worthy of anyones pitty or
such form or apathetic nature. I am scum i will not be able
to do what is needed in me to be a well and able human. I
have condempt myself to a life of hate and misuary.

that is what my life is about lately.. a lot more and
nothing less... misery and misfortune and most of all unable
to project my feelings to people that matter but toyou, a
piece of paper on a web site. that is my luck!