AutumLeaves

Drifting Away on my Sea of Inspiration

On that inspiration that watching another great
season of Sex in the City, feeling cute as ever, doing
ballet in my living room and listening to opera can make
you feel.

I know when it happens. When things move me. I just
feel like I could float away on my feelings, like I could
almost cry because life is so beautiful for an instant.
There's nothing more magical than an instant of being
naive and believing in humans, or at least yourself. When
the beauty of just living is overwhelmingly wonderful,
when even the aspect of love, even after a terrible break
up and an even more terrible past relationship, is
glorious. Even though there are things out there that are
tough, having even a moment of life like this...I suppose
it's worth it.

I found out today why I was attracted to Pete for so
long. There was some kind of pain that was required in my
life, that I just fell into habit with. And even though
I'm a rational individual who can think the pro's and
con's out for every situation, the second I would see him,
I'd suddenly lose control, invite him to go out with me,
to come over, and then suddenly regret it, but that never
stopped me from doing it any other time. Now, I guess I
know why. And even though having a guy is maybe important
to me, I'm not dependant on them, nor will I ever be
again.

It's nice to find out who I am again. It's nice to
fall in love with yourself sometimes, to fall in love with
life, with the snow, which is a lot coming from the one
who can't stand being cold. It's nice to be able to fall
in love with those things that can't hurt you, that you
know won't cause you pain. And in the end, maybe I've
learned that it's not really all those things that cause
you pain anyway, maybe it's just yourself.

I always tell people, if they're in a situation that
they don't like, change it. I believe in change, as naive
as it sounds. And I believe in beauty, and starting
sentences with and, because I like to mimic the human
vocal patterns. I don't believe in God, but I know it
would be a lot easier on me if I did. I believe that
candles will always make a room attractive even if it's a
complete disaster and the cats are scratching at the door
continuously. I believe there's something inside all of
us, not a soul that the higher powers gamble over, not
some supernatural being that haunts the houses we live in
after we die, but definately, we all have a spirit, a soul
in different terms, a power, a mass of emotions that we
can all have the privilige to feel every once in awhile.

I've been doing something out of the ordinary for
myself this past week, I've been talking to someone.
Someone that I think I like, that I think I'd like to get
to know better maybe.

There's just sometimes in life when I'm glad I don't
know Italian. The only thing I have to know is that it's
beautiful.