Elizabeth

Elizabeth M.
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2005-02-28 02:19:36 (UTC)

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Today, Mel(one of my dad's friends) had asked me if I was
ok with him going through my dad's stuff. I told him that I
didn't care because I didn't know what I was looking at.
Kate took me for a ride to smoke up and let into me. She
told me that I need to talk it out and that I need to stop
being about myself and help mom and her. I just wanted to
slap her. I told her that I was angry, I was angry about
Mark and I breaking up/and the lies, I was angry about dad
dieing, I was angry that mom didn't get me up first so I
could help her out w/my dad. I cried a bit. Kate told me
that I shouldn't even think about Mark because he is an
asshole and if he really loved me that he would of been
around to help me through this, she said let him go. Then
kate told me that I have a suprise coming next week. I ask
what it was. She let me in on it, Casey is coming to see
me. I had called his father a couple of days ago to ask him
to contact Casey and tell him what was going on. I felt I
needed him here for me and beside I was going to marry this
man, I was his girl for over 6 1/2 yrs and I almost had his
baby. He was part of my family. Kate and him talked for a
while, He asked about me and kate told him that I wasn't
doing so good. he told kate that would of love to come
today and spend time w/me but he was unable, He has a wife
and 3 kids now. He told kate that he would be down sometime
this coming week to see me. Casey and I were very close,
Things have changed in both of our lives but it will be
good for me to have him here so I can cry on him.
I just wish that it was Mark....I know that I need to stop
thinking about him but it's so hard. I thought that Mark
and I had something, we got along so well, we laughted and
watch football together, we could just sit on the cough and
watch movies all night long until we both fell asleep. We
didn't need money to be happy. But I have come to find out
that he has 2 diaries, and I am find out some of those
lies. I thought everything was fine, come to find out that
he was hiding things from me. I don't hate Mark, I hate
some of his choices, like leaving me.
It's funny Casey was never there for me when it came to
things like this and he loved me w/ all of his heart. And
even though Mark told me that he would be here for me I
still don't believe him, because He has not been here for
me, he called but that's it. I think w/ my dad dieing it is
stiring up memories of his mother. I didn't want to do that
for him. He always said that he loved me and cared for me ,
so why isn't he here for me now? I guess things aren't
always what they seem.
Stacy is having her baby tomorrow and will not be able to
come to the funeral. My best friend roseann just had her
son yesterday. She called from the hospital to talk to me,
she told me to just take care of the things up here first
and then when I am ready to call and come spend some time
w/her. I love my best friend, she has known me ever since
the 2nd grade. She was going to call up Mark awhile ago and
talk to him, but I told her not to. She knows me better
than anyone else. Mel told me that if I needed to get away
to just call him and I could come stay w/ his family and go
jet sking in N.C.. I told him thank you. I haven't been to
work since Wednesday, I wont be working this coming up week
and probably not the following week either. I need to get
away. I need to decide if I am going to be on the path of
self destruction or if I will come to peace w/myself and
say what I was going to do by going to nursing school and
become something.


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