roni vohs

crying MY regrets
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2005-02-27 04:06:04 (UTC)

everything off my chest

I wish everyone could know the way feel about everything
in my life. About all the things I am going through and
all the things I have to put up with. I have had a couple
of days off the internet to try to sort everything out and
makes sense of everything. I also wish that everyone
didn’t expect me to be then normal funny, joking around
nikki that I usually am. Honestly I don’t really feel like
that u care anymore. Then when I am not they continue to
pursue me and find out what’s bothering me. I have three
people I can confide in. mike, sunny, and lindsay..those
are the only people I have ever trusted with my life. I
have to be two different people in my own life. I have to
put on a show and pretend like everything in my life is
going great so that people don’t get all hurt when I don’t
seem to be myself and they take it personal that I don’t
tell them what’s wrong. So it is like I have to pretend to
be like everything is good to please everybody else or I
will have more problems that I don’t really need right
now. So I act like everything is good and knowing that
everything isn’t. So then I get home and that is the only
place I can really let it out but now since I really go
anywhere but volleyball or somewhere with kiki and lene..i
wish i can see the 3 people that i trust my life with more
often cuz i love those 3 nukkas right there..I learned
from a very beautiful and smart girl named sunny that it
isn’t good to keep it all in and that I should try to get
it out there. So where should I start I think it all
started back when I got my first heartbreak and about my
valentines day. Back in the day I would go out with this
guy named mike and then i break up with him cuz i thought
i didnt know what i wanted. Now that I think of it I was
an ass and I never thought it would happen to me but guess
what it did. When I went out with mike I considered my
self lucky I was to get a gu like him. he was smart,
funny, handsome, and into me. So then it went good for
about a couple month and then things got rocky. we ended
back up going out again after a while...i couldnt stand
not being around mike every second of my life...when we
went back out things were going good then towards the end
before we broke up it started to be really hard on me to
be a kind person to everyone..i was always tired.everytime
i saw mike i would fall alseep on him, i never did my
homework. i started to not care about life anymore. so i
ended up breaking this off with mike after almost a year.
i still miss him dearly. there isnt a day that i go by
that i dont think about his ass. but after i broke up he
went out with a girl named april to try to get back at me
cuz i hated her so much becuase when we first started to
go out and mike broke his coller bone one weekend and i
got a call that he was in the hospital and i got dressed
faster that i have ever gotten dressed ever in my life i
was done beofre my mom opened her door to tell me...when i
showed up he was covering his hand. then when the doctor
uncovered it it said "APRILS BITCH"..i didnt know what to
say i didnt talk to him for a while. i would never right
another guys name on my hand if i was going out with
someone. so when i heard the were going out i did get a
lil jealous. i didnt know what to do. i tryed to comit
suicide a couple of times and sliced my wrist a couple of
times. (sorry sunny)..like i hated life to no end..but
know it has been 4 months since me and mike havent been
going out..everytime i see him i fall in love with his
smile all over again. every single time. no lies. but you
know what i am happy for him im glad he is happy who he is
with...no having any drama with her ass.. no having any
fights. and i wish them the best cuz i do admit that im
not an easy person to get along with sometimes. cuz i do
act like a major bitch..so now i need to find something
else to live for now...i cant keep on living like this. i
need to be with someone i want love.i want someone to be
there for me when i need a shoulder to cry on at night if
i have a rough day. i cant cry on sunnys shoulder i dont
ever see her ((heart breaks into a million))..and i see
lindsay every wednesday at practice...i dont understand
why i had to break up with him?, why did i have to go
along with my heart?, why did i let him slip from my
arms?. i love him so much no one will ever understand that
i love him with all my heart and ill never ever find
another man like mike..no in this world would ever equal
up to his big heart..i have true love for him. when you
shed a tear and still want him its when he ignores you and
you still love him its when he loves another girlbut you
say im happy for you when all you really do is sit in your
room and cry and cry..i cryed so much i bet i coulda made
an ocean with all the tears..i wish i saved them so i can
drown my ass with them..i met this guy named hector and
things where starting to go well but then he told me he
was moving out of state and that things wouldnt work out
very well and i told him that he was right...so i had to
get over that as well..as for my valetines day it wasnt
the best that day i wanted to stay home and take out this
really pretty, hawt, goregous friend of mine to lunch and
sspend the day with her but the plans got changed so that
didnt end up working..so i dicided that i was going to
tell my mom that i was going to clean the house with her
so i can stay home since i wasnt going to do anything. but
then i got attached to the computer for the longest
time..and time flew by and my mom was on her way home from
work..so i had to rush and get most of the stuff cleaned
up but didnt get too much done. i felt like i let my mom
down on her birthday. and on top of that i forgot to say
happy birthday to my mother until my sister said did you
say happy brithday to mom and i was like oh shit no..i ran
in her room and gave her a big as bear hug and say happy
birthday mom i love you..here you go and gave her her card
that i made it was tight it looked professional.whoop dee
whoop. but anyways that didnt make my day any good and
then i started to think of my first valentines with mike
it was the best..i just have so many things on my mind
right now i wish that i didnt have to live to different
lives just so that people think im happy..i have to cuz i
dont want people to think im an idiot for being depressed
all the time...so i go to school pretend that im ok and
try to live my life..but right when i walk in that door to
the house it goes worst for me..im always tired still cuz
of volleyball it takes up all of my time really it does..i
have practice monday-thursday and play in tournaments on
weekends..i dont have anytime to hang out with my friends
no more..i hate that shit cuz i love my friends to death
they are what i live for really..i had a million friends
at school but now tha i am depressed all the time i hardly
talk to either of them at all..i hang out at lunch with on
friend and that is lene. im not saying i dont have my
friends anymore its just that i need to be with hardly
anyone. does that make sence?. everynight before i go to
bed i have some messages on my cell phone of sunnys
gorgeous laugh, lindsays voice and a message of mikes
voice and i have to listen to them if i can sleep, dont
want to listen to fear before, or call sunny and wake her
up.((besides she doesnt have mins that she can just
waste))..i need to go out and just find a guy and have
fun.. i need to reunite with all my friends again. i need
to go to the mall more often. i need to buy new cds cuz
the ones i have are played out. most of all need to have
more fun with my life so i dont have to live these two
lives every single day of my life.. i always write suicide
poems to get things off my mind. but end up throwing them
away cuz they really get into detail on what i want to do
to kill myself..and if any of you cared that i am here on
this earth and think i should change my ways and not think
like this give me a call cuz i think im gonna end what i
have and just die..


((so all of you get ready to go to my funeral in a couple
of weeks))


DEPRESSION KILLS YOU
by me nikki

this world is coming to an end for me
no one loves me
cares about me
and no one knows im even on this earth
i cant talk to anyone
their all to good to talk to people such as i
i want my dying days to come already
cant wait to be on me death bed
and whisper to the doctor to pull the plug
wont care who i am leaving behind
cuz they dont know im here remember
i need thearphy
everyday of my life
i need someone to make me smile
everyday of my life
someone to make me happy
but instead all i want to do is die
cuz i dont have any of that
im just a depressed 15 yr old loner
who is just going to shut down
put the off on vibrate
and lay there and cry
hoping to die


i hope i didnt confuse you with all this cuz im typing
really fast so i can hurt up and i didnt re read this
either


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