Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-02-27 01:18:51 (UTC)

I Can't Stand Being in My Own House...

What the hell is wrong with me? I mean really, what the
FUCK is wrong with me?

It's a nice, beautiful winter's day out, cold yes, but the
days are finally noticeably getting the longer, the light
is becoming prettier, the colours more springlike in the
sky and in the air and instead of going out and enjoying
it, I'm sitting in my house letting myself be fucking
miserable. That's what people should just start calling
me: SIMG, short for Self-Inflicted Misery Girl.

We went to see my counselor this morning. I'm feeling
ganged up on. Even when he is helping and sort of
defending me (in the way that counselors might do, not in
a bad way), I feel...well, tackled from all sides. Talked
at by everyone and not listened to. I don't know. I
don't know what is wrong with me. My bf goes in there and
is all loud and talkative and animated and expressive and
philosophical and this and that and everything a good-into-
being-there person should be but instead of being happy
about it I just want to fucking throw up. I should
believe him. I want to believe him. Do I want to believe
him? I used to want to believe that the words were true.
But now, I don't trust it. I don't trust it, I don't
trust me, I don't trust that he means it, I don't trust
that things will stay better or even get better, I don't
trust anything.

***

I'm falling apart. Bitching at my boyfriend and falling
apart to someone on MSN. I can't stand this. I CAN'T
STAND THIS. I CAN'T STAND BEING IN MY HEAD. FUCKING MAKE
IT FUCKING STOP PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I have to go. I can't stand this. I'm sorry...

K2




Ad: