blkdragon

grounded
2005-02-26 22:25:03 (UTC)

Lazyday frustrations

Had serious problems getting online this morning, spyware
was attacking, called my man Brian for assistance; after
futile attempts by Time Warner to solve the problem. He
got me to do a system restore from an earlier time
yesterday, solved the problem, after playing phone tag
with TW for hours. I invited him to the house tonight,
we'll break open the Pear Liquer I've been saving to
christen my new apartment, he's earned it!
Louisa called last night, said she's been missing me, said
people have been asking about me; whether she and I are
still together? Didn't know that you could call what we
were, together, doesn't usually feel like we're a couple
at all. I started backing away from her when she let me
know that the physical aspects of a relationship weren't
that important to her, they're that important to me, I
want regular shows of affection; because I believe it says
something about how you feel for one another. She can't
trust, can't get past the shit from her past relationship,
that shouldn't be my problem, I won't allow it to be.
I meant to ask her what she's been missing about me, I
plan to take her to Sam's Club today, she wants to pick up
some foodstuffs; I also need some things. I can't give her
as much of my time now, need to concentrate on solving my
economic dilemma, I'm truly behind the 8-ball; such is
life! I'm sure I've been in worse shape, just never after
being in such good shape, life is up and downhill; I have
to keep telling myself that I'm tougher than this shit and
I am. I'm glad I don't have as much time for her, she
needed to miss me, redefine how she sees me and how she
plans to treat me in the future; if it's not how I choose
to be treated, she can get on without me. None of the
aforementioned is open to discussion, I either get what I
want or we have nothing to do with each other, I'm not
desperate. There are always options, my son thinks I'm
being too patient with her, how can anyone ever be too
patient?
I understand her fear, I'm not going to be willing to wait
for her to lose her fear for too long. I trust everyone,
until they give me reasons not to trust them, that won't
change. Most people mistrust everyone until they see
reason's to trust, that doesn't make much sense to me.
I haven't brought Louisa to my home and I haven't been
spending as much time in her home, her Mother's here and
she doesn't need me to hang around them, don't really want
to hang around them. She never reaches for my hand, never
grabs my arm, never leans to kiss me; why should I be the
one to initiate such things all the time. If I am to be
the one to do so, what reason would there be for change,
she'll always expect that and I'll always be on the short
end of the stick. I don't want to set a precedent for
disappointment, it's like always being in the missionary
position doing push-ups. Another concern is if she can
withstand the act of making love with me, physically? She
doesn't eat regularly, because she doesn't like to cook,
she eats take-out and junk food; she's skinny as a rail. I
can accept her form, everything about her, just don't want
to come to regret any decisions I make where she's
concerned.
Thanks for the tax link, Lynne, Love ya; talk to you soon.




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