Jessica Smith

Behind the Mask...
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2005-02-25 19:30:51 (UTC)

February 25 2005

today i feel so alone there is no one that i feel like i
can really talk to. At least someone who really cares. i
know i have to take care of myself, but i still need
someone to talk to. i need someone to lean on there is no
one around to give me any advice i have to do it all on my
own. my parents are there but not for me they are olny
there to take my money thats all they care about they dont
care about how i feel. i know i have already been through
this before and i thought i was over it bu t i couldve
never been more wrong. i just want to die i can't stand
living much more i am so sad all the time. so badly i want
someone to talk to that will listent o me that actually
cares about me and how i feel. but there is no one. people
say that i can talk to them and when i try they don't
wanna listen. i have to deal with everything in my life as
it comes to me. i want to cut my wrists but the skin is so
thick or the knife just isnt sharp enough. i dont really
want to die but there are so many time s that i just wish i
could. dying actually really scares me. i dont actually
know anyone who committed suicide but i have already tried
it on myself and if the stupid teacher would have just
left me rest my head and let me sleep i would have
succeeded. but no the had to try to get me to the nurses
office to lay down but by then the medicine was already
really starting to kick in so i couldn't hardly stand let
alone walk. i almost fell down the stairs that would have
been okay with me too because that would have just been
another way that i could have hurt myself i really dont see
any point for my living i mean if i knew i was going to die
i would probably be scared outta my mind but not being
sure something would work to end it make it all go away.
call me sick if oyu want but i really dont even care any
more i dont care if i live or if i die. i just want to be
happy but thsat sure as hell aint happenin. i am so unhappy
with the way i look i weigh 145lbs i have to get down to
110lbs i dont care what i have to do i used to weigh more
but since i have already started my regime or something
like that i have lost 30lbs. so only 35 more to go. i
havent eaten in such a long time i think about food all the
time . what i do eat i feel guilty about and have to get
rid of one way or another. there are so many times that i
use laxatives and water pills jut to get rid of all the
liquid right away. i am so desparate no one will want a fat
girl i havve got to lose the weight. to me it seems like a
big fight well i have to win this fight. i am at school as
i am writing this and and i feel like i am about to explode
because i don't have anyone to talk to. i don't cry anymore
because all my emmotion is gone. i am hurt scared and upset
and lost sad angry and momentarely happy all at he same
time i never knew that such feeling was possible until i
becan to fell it with no one to talk to. well i gues i
should go now since study hall is just about over.

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