you cant escape what makes you tragic
Today was a snow day. Les Mis was cancelled. I just went
outside for a few minutes, it's still snowing. I never
really looked at snow before, but I looked down at my coat
and it was covered in perfect star shaped flakes. It didn't
seem real, and at the same time more real then anything
else that has been going on.
With Andrew gone I think it's really time to pull my shit
together. I can't wait for him to come home and see that I
have a job, a car, everything we talk about...
I'm really scared that he will think less of me. The more
time he is gone the more I see how hard I made things for
him, and I'm afraid he will realise it. I can't help but
think that I am part of the reason he went away.
My emotional issue-ness made things hard on him. I know it
does. When he gets back I'm so never going to be a crazy
bitch to him ever again.
-And I wasn't strong enough to stand up to him, and I
defended him as much as possible. Except for a few close
friends, I never tell people that so many times I tried to
get him to stop and he ended up convincing me to get high,
instead. Even the last time we were together, in the car,
Marc asked me what I thought. Andrew tried to bring it up
and I didn't let him. It would mean that we both failed. He
wouldn't listen and I wouldn't make him. We failed
With him gone, I feel more independant and capable the ever
before, but only because I feel like we are still connected
on an unspeakable level.
What if he doesn't? Sure I want to think he does, and it's
something I should just inherintly know at this point. I
feel that way but I still doubt that he does.
It hurts to not be able to tell Andrew I love him on a