Through the Looking Glass
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2005-02-23 17:59:22 (UTC)

How Low Can You Go?

Well, I feel terrible. I am really very sick and I can't
get away from work because I have to prepare the tax
receipts and get them out. I haven't even felt up enough
to talk with anyone. And I had a falling out with a work

I had asked my work friend to give me a day that she had
booked off work. A once in a lifetime oportunity had come
up, but she had scheduled the day off before hand and had
booked herself an accupuncture appointment on it. She came
to me later and said that she had given into my wants
because she thought I would hold it against her, that she
felt that my reason for wanting the day really wasn't that
important and that she is the only one who sacrifices or
makes compromises in our friendship. She really made me
feel selfish / self centred. now that a couple of days
have passed since we talked about it I see things a little
differently. I think that some lines have been crossed and
the boundaries blurred because I am also her supervisor,
and there are something that she just has to do as part of
her job ( I realize giving up the day she had booked off
was not one of theses instances). In addition to that
though, it isn't true that I and never bent for her. during
the Christmas holidays I compromised with her so that we
could both get time off. I could have pulled my position
and seniority over her and taken the entire holiday for
myself. I have been trying to decide for myself whether it
is worth opening up a discussion about this again OR, to
accept the fact that we are not cut out for a friendship,
and keep things strictly professional. Oh, and another
thing that has been bugging me about the whole thing is
that she may not feel that my needs were important, if she
were in my shoes she may not have valued the opportunity
the same , BUT , a good friend doesn't measure the
importance of something by THEIR standards , the recognize
the importance of it to their friend.

Another thing that is weighing heavy on me is that I am
supporting my mother right now. She had been unemployed
for two years, about 4 months ago she got a job at a
supermarket making minimum wage and only working about 16
hrs a week. I absolutely hate her living with me, I hate
people knowing she lives with me , the assupmtion being
that she is helping to support me. She is constantly
making me feel like I am not doing enough while I am the
primary wage earner and pay far more toward the household
expenses than she does. I come home on my breaks or at the
end of the day and she is playing solitaire, watching TV
etc.. It's driving me nuts. I feel trapped , and then I
talk to friends about it and I get more of what I SHOULD
do: kick her out (like I want to live with the guilt of
making my mother homeless), go back to school (while I am
already wallowing in debt, not to mention the fact that
until I know what the hell I want to do, there doesn't seem
to be much point in going back). People are just full of
advice aren't they? I wasn't even wanting to talk about
any of this the other night but, I was on the phone with a
friend and he kept badgering me with questions like "why
don't you? ..." and "couldn't you just? ...". I have
avoided him for two days now because I can deal with
stretching myself as thin as I have been to be questioned
and second guessed by unemployed slackers with no real
responsiblities of their own but to feed, cloth, and house

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