things running through my mind.
2005-02-23 04:13:24 (UTC)

life as it is.

So today is tuesday but last week monday was our 1 year adn
valentines day i loved it we didnt expect alot fomr
eachother because we know how we feel about eachother and
we dotn need gifts and amounts of money spent on eachother
to show it. I made him a cd and burned one for myself he
loves is. Im so happy that he loves it. The past friday i
spent like over an hour in the car with him just listening
to it. He was crying becasue he liked me so much and was
soo happy and didnt wanna lose me. I felt so loved at that
moent i was so happy i couldnt cry. He said he felt weak
adn like a puss and he needed to stop. I told him dont that
i loved it i dont care at all and he shouldnt be
embarassed. Hes my perfect boy what other guy would do that
for me. I hate leaving him when im with him and when im not
with him all i think about is when i will talk to him or
hangout with him again. That was one of my favorite moents
from 1151-115 am on Feb 18, 2005.:D

On monday he came over and no one was home. We did our plan
e took a shower together. First we had to make the bathroom
totally dark cuz i still hate seeing myself. It worked i
loved it. I loved just having our bodys up next to
eachother and the water running over us. I wasnt afraid i
dont like seeing me but i felt so comfortable wtih him it
was just perfect. I couldnt ask for anyone better. I never
thought i would ever be like this after 1 year i didnt
think our relationship would last but it did and its
perfect. I dont want it to change ever.

Im so scared for next year i think about it and i wanna
leave i cant let my dad be right that i cant do things on
my own and everyone else is leaving its now like i would
have anyone here. I want my mom to be proud of me and go to
a good college. But, i dont wanna leave my boy he means the
world to me and if i leave and go to state and i lose him
or if we grow distant i dont know what ill do i spent so
much time with him and he was always there for me i dont
want anything to screw this up. I want to be with him as
long as i can. Im afriad that ill be away and hell just
cheat on me and ill never know and he will end up just
leaving me bcuz he realizes its not worth it at all and
that we barely get to see eachother. Im so scared of not
knowing what will happen. I dont wanna leave all of my
friends that i am now finally totally comfortable with. I
dotn wanna leave my sister and seeing her grow up through
highschool i wanna be there with her. I dont wanna leave my
family and having them always have my back with everything
i do. I dont wanna leave my town where i knwo everyone and
everything thats always going on and about every person
somehow knows who evryone is. I dont want all of my friends
that i have had forever to leave and me to never see them
again maybe in my life but i spent so much time with them
here. I dont want anything to change but im lying to myself
it will all change ill change and i cant do anythign about
it but make the best i can of it. Im going to miss foley
and the teachers and the sports and having everything so
close and easy and chilled. IM gunna miss whitney and my
friends in 11th grade.
Im gunna miss sports soo much im gunna miss playing them i
dontknow what im gunna do with myself next year i have
always throughout my whole life been playing some kind of
sport and then to have nothing at all i dotnknow what to do
im not good enough for anything soo i have to have nothing.
I hate that feeling of not beign good enough and not having
a something other than school and life to put my whole
heart into. I like the integrity it takes and the challenge
i feel when playing. Ugh im gunna miss it.

I dont wanna grow up everything is so perfect i hate when
ppl say that they just want the year to be done with. I
want it to last as long as possible and i want time to just
freeze so that i can make it last even longer. I wish. I
hope everything works out.

I hate this feeling. I hate not wanting the furture to
happen yet i do when i think about not knowing what willl
happen i just want it to come soo i can see what will

neways im scared. I love everything right now. Dont change.

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