All about me
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2005-02-22 15:22:15 (UTC)

Looser me!!!

Hello there

My name is Cat and im a 21 year old student who is having a
shit time at the moment and thought that writing an online
diary may help! Firstly, there are a few things you should
know about the messed up person that is me...............

1)Im studying for a degree that i really don't want to
do!!! Cant really quit or else that will make me a failure,
in both mine and my parents eyes- I guess im just going to
fail anyway - the little working class girl can't compete
with all the clever rich boarding school snobs that are on
my course! Basically im the first in my family to do a real
degree so its all up to me! I hate the pressure and some
days don't even want to get out of bed!! In fact some days
i dont- im not depressed per se just don't see the point. i
think I know less about Law now than when I started and
exams a mere 9 weeks away!!!

2) Im a cheat- yes I cheated on my amazing, wonderful, sexy
boyfriend for a guy who just totally used me! Hes actually
a 'friend' of mine at uni (and I say that loosely as in
reality I dont really have any). I really did like him,
still do in honesty although he has publically declared his
lack of interest for me to anyone that will listen!! In
fact in not such a polite way either!! After we got
together the night he was 'really really stupidly drunk'
the guilt was overwhelming but then came the upset he didnt
really like me!! Hes just a 'good time guy' still not told
my boyfriend and don't really intend to. I know its bad and
I cant really justify it except I dont want to upset him
and I still want this guy (Carl)!!!

3) Im FAT, not a normal sized girl thinking she is fat, but
FAT FAT!!! Yet I can't stop eating. On last weigh in I was
15 stone 6llbs and was nearly sick at the thought!!
Considering at 16 I used to be a mere 8 and a half stone!!!
That is SEVEN stone in 5 years and seems almost
impossible!! But its not, even now as I type i am on my 4th
bag of crisps, although I plan to throw it up later!! I
trawl pro ana sights in the hope I will just snap and snop
eating!! my mum (a brilliant size 8/10) tells me im just
lazy and its my own fault, she wants to know how i can moan
about beinf fat yet still eat umpteen burgers, crisps
etc!!! Its true but honestly its not that easy!!

4) Im a loner. Nobody at home knows it but at uni i have no
real friends I sit in my room alone day after day, night
after night! I study in the room, relax in the room, eat in
the room, sleep in the room etc. Its so dull. Now the thing
that is odd about this is that I NEVER used to be like
this. I was Cat the 'good time girl', always had friends
around me and was out every weekend in town and before John
(my BF) used to pull quite a few guys too!! i was having
the time of my life. However I think now my home friends
have distanced themselves from me aswell- im fat,
antisocial and boring! Who would want to be my friend???!!

I just know if I was thin and motivated everything would be
ok, instead im a useless fat lump undeserving of anything!!

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