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2005-02-22 05:21:34 (UTC)

If only for a night

I made an actual list of the subjects I want to update on.
I can't believe it's been so long since I've written in
this thing. I don't expect it to make a whole lot of sense
this time around (not that it does any other time) simply
because I am exhausted and have to be up in the morning to
be at work at 9. Today at work was long. It seems we get
really slammed for a couple hours and then the rest of the
day/evening is dead. I hate it because it makes the last
couple hours drag on forever. Tonight was decent, though.
Julie closed which is always fun. She has to be in Kokomo
tomorrow for a meeting. How much does that suck? I have to
work 9-6 and can't go with. I told her I'd call off to go
down with her and she was all about that. But, I'm trying
to do the more sensible thing and make some more money.
*sigh* I really wanted to go down - mostly because she
seemed like she really wanted me to go. She kept telling me
how much fun we'd have. Ah well, there shall be other times!

Most nights have been filled with either work or darts. Dad
hasn't been doing the greatest at darts. Hopefully that
will not be the case at state this weekend. They've got him
in a higher class than what he usually shoots in so the
pressure is already on him. We leave Thursday night and
come back Monday evening. I can't wait for some time away.
I'm not at all saying that life is rough around here but
it'll be a great change to be out of town, amongst friends
and able to cut loose and have a good time. Hopefully I'm
feeling better by then. This shit is kickin my ass!

Shannon came by work the other day on her way home. It was
so wonderful to see her - as it always is. She's such a
flirt-it kills me. She knows I'd take her in a second and
she really uses that against me! They let me take a break
at about the time she was leaving so I walked her out to
her car. We sat and talked and cuddled a bit. She was
feeling very affectionate. She gave me a long hug and a
kiss goodbye when she left. She's amazing! .....and
engaged. She's just so damn sweet, sexy and knows exactly
what to say. She's actually considering driving all the way
down to Indy to have lunch with me and spend a couple hours
with me down there while we're at State. I think it's
insane but I'm already going to be completely disappointed
if she says she's not going to. I'd understand, but I'd be

Friday night after work Chrissy and I went out for a drink.
I was so excited when she asked me to join her. At first I
thought she was just making conversation to be nice but she
was serious. I met her back at work at 930 and we went to
North Side and ended up meeting up with Michael (from work)
and a friend of his. It was nice to feel like I was a part
of things, like they wanted me there. I miss that part of
Kokomo and it seems like I'm really starting to make
something of my life up here. *crosses fingers* Hopefully
it continues from this point on.

Jamie and I have been talking alot lately. Not more than a
day has gone by that we haven't talked on the phone, seen
each other, or at least texted back and forth. I'm getting
closer and closer with Kylei and it feels wonderful to have
a child back in my life again. It feels just as nice to
have Jamie back. We've done dinner, had dinner at her
house, watched movies, gone out for coffee, and they've
stopped in at work several times to say hi.

I haven't heard from Chad in awhile so I called him today.
He finally answered his phone but he was busy at work. I
told him that I'd call him after 5:00 but I never had the
chance. I'm glad he answered his phone but I can't help but
think he only did it because he didn't recognize the phone
number. I don't know what I want to come of he and I, but I
know I want to keep him around in some way or another.

Amy and I are back in contact again. So far we've only
chatted online which has been a good thing. I didn't think
I was ready for the phone... BUT she's trying to change
that. Just tonight she messaged me right away and talked
for a few minutes. She said that she was going to try and
get a pre-paid phone tomorrow and she wanted to call me
because she misses my voice. You know what? I miss hers
too. I miss everything about her. I miss the love, I miss
the pain.. I miss every little aspect and I KNOW that makes
me ignorant but it doesn't change my feelings. She meant so
much to me! That pain hasn't faded yet and I still have a
lot of anger towards her but I hurt more when I didn't have
her in my life at all.

I've been so lonely lately. All I want is someone in my
life to spend affectionate time with. I'm not asking for a
serious relationship but I miss sharing that bond with
someone. I miss watching movies with someone and being able
to hold their hand.. to get a kiss goodnight. It hurts to
be so alone in that area of my life....ANYWAY!

Krista and I have talked a bit more. She was sick the other
night so I went and sat with her for an hour or so.. We
went out to lunch a couple days after. We always have such
a good time together. She's one that I've always wanted to
have a chance at dating. I think we'd be good together but
a) she's never single and b) she doesn't want to ruin our
friendship. Fuck the friendship, let's get in bed ;)

Things from Kokomo have definitely changed. Michelle and I
don't talk as often, I don't talk to anyone else at Staples
at all. Well, with the exception of Antonio but he's a
diary in himself. Heather and I talk on the phone quite a
bit but it's just not the same. I miss her so fucking much
it hurts. It sounds corny but I'm really not me when I
don't have her in my life like I need her.

Alright, I've rambled enough. Half of this doesn't make
sense and none of it is in order in the way that it has
happened. Deal with it and consider it an update. I'll try
for a better one later and I promise to try and be more
frequent with my entries.

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