you cant escape what makes you tragic
I'm in love with your ghost.
So I've been trying to be the new, Andrew-ified me with him
gone, and then I realized: I've haven't changed as much as
I thought I have. Really it was all Andrew forcing me to
open up, and be social, and all that other crap that I
didn't used to do.
I'm trying to just think of it as camp all over again, but
I can't since I have no way of knowing how he is feeling.
At camp atleast I knew he was around people that he liked,
that would look out for him and that he wanted to be there.
Now I can't sit back and just wait for him to come home if
I don't KNOW that he is happy. If it turns out that he was
completely miserable the entire time and I didn't worry
about him every single day... well I just can't do that.
And even though I do want him to make the best of where
ever the fuck he is and what ever the fuck he is doing
(BTW.. thank you Marc, for calling at a time you knew I
wouldn't be home, being vauge on the details, and making it
clear I shouldn't call you EVER) anyways so I want him to
be happy but at the same tim I don't. I don't want him to
be okay without me, to come home and have all these new
experiances that I had no idea about, to be this whole new
person. His hair will be differnt, more facial hair, he
will be taller, his face will mature, who knows? not me and
FUCK those changes were supposed to happen slowly, in front
of my eyes. Not behind my back where I get to be suprised-
not how it's supposed to be.