Nofie

Innerworkings
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2005-02-22 02:36:24 (UTC)

All the Chance That I Need...

the worst is when your exboyfriend that you're still in love
with starts dating some new chick who used to be a model and
then you walk into his dorm room because you're trying to
stay best friends and you have to see a picture of her on
the wall and your greatest fears are confirmed...she really
is gorgeous enough to be a model. not only that but there's
a cheesy note from her to him tacked up under the picture
and you try not to read it because it's an obvious invasion
of his privacy but you're morbidly fascinated and you have
this thing you do where you have to torture yourself as much
as possible so you read it...and sure enough, after only
dating for two months, she loves him already, and he loves
her back, when all you ever wanted from him for a year was
to be loved and he couldn't do it for some reason that was
clearly a flaw in yourself. so now you have to obsess over
every little thing that's wrong with you that could stop a
person from loving you, a difficult task considering that
you two had the most amazing connection and the most fun
together out of all your other friends. he insists that it
was him, not you, and that he knows thats a cliche but with
you two it's the truth, and that somehow you "fixed" him and
made him realize what it's really like to be cared about and
supported emotionally. this is meant to make you feel
better, and truthfully you're happy for him but
simultaneously you want to fucking punch him in his
beautiful face because goddammit, this has already happened
to you twice and you didn't need it to happen again with one
of only two people you've ever really loved with all your
heart. so you smile and grit your teeth and choke back the
lump in your throat and hold in the deep breath you just
took that's fighting to come out in sobs, and you bite your
lip so hard that you taste blood, and you know that the
sting in your eyes is visible to him and he knows you're
trying not to cry which drives you nuts because the last
thing you want is for him to see how much you're hurting.

boys fucking suck.


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