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2005-02-21 06:49:59 (UTC)

Christy's visit

Well, I was wrong, christy showed up today instead of monday
and we almost had sex or at least I didn't finish it. We
did kiss, fondel, and put them together but the little man
just wasn't into it. I did love the closeness we shared.
We did lay next to each other in bed and talk and laugh and
cry. We so much have a love for each other. I love christy
more than any person in the world. I would do anything for
christy except stay married. She is without a doubt my best
friend. no doubt no comparison to anyone no one is a close
second. I have divorced my best friend.

We talked about each other about finding new loves. She
says there is no one she is even interested in or someone
she even finds attractive, could this be ture? No one? I
told her I was attracted to a
few women at work, I gave no names. I did not tell her of
my infactuation with nat. Christy is the one person that
knows me, that I am truely able to open up to. I have told
things to christy I don't believe anyone has a clue about
me. I shared alot of the things I have written in this
diary.

I do need to get with a counselor. I started talking to
christy about christy and I became very emotional. I am
still so guilty of leaving christy and for being attracted
and wanting to get to know her friend nat better. I so
much wanted to tell christy that nat and I have emailed a
bit in the past, but all that would do is hurt christy and
maybe get chrsity mad at nat and nat at me. nothing good
could come out of it. some things are better left unsaid.
I have yet to hear for nat. I probably never will.

Christy and I talked about finding a place to buy. I told
her I have looked at nat and her dad's realty site and have
come to realize I will not be able to buy a home for awhile.
I kept trying to find ways to bring up nat. I was playing
poker with christy today and the reward was as much info
about nat as possible. I would get her talking about her
friends teri, judy and nat. She would give info about the
first two but would always pull up short with nat. I think
it is because she doesn't see much of her since nat lives
here is riverside and christy in the OC. I was trying ot
find out about her marriage and she would talk about the
other two but never about nat. She did tell me that she did
confess to the three we have had ex-sex. I guess that
didn't go over too well. It shouldn't becasue her friends do
care about christy and they know how this affects her. They
are truely good friends to her, I am happy about this.
anyway, I am not proud of myself for doing this.

At this moment in my life I need to concentrate on myself
and getting all of my ills straightened out and maybe in the
future a nat type would be interested in me.

things to work on:
weight, open up to people, learn to ask for help, take a
speech class
weight - this is the center of most of my problems. This
deals with my self-esteem. I know I have an extremely low
self-esteem currently. If I don't fix my weight nothing
else will get fixed. I once heard someone say the problems
a person doesn't get ironed out are passed onto their
children. I don't eat because I love food so much, it is
because I can't deal with something. Like I said to
christy, many times in my life I have lost 15-30 pounds and
am loving how I feel only to gain it back and some. Why
when you are happy and what you are doing is making you
happy do you suddenly start to do things that you know are
bad for you?

Fast food is bad. I know that. I have lost 17 pounds
lately. Lately, I have become depressed about being lonely
and nat. I have started to eat at wendy's, carls, and del
taco. I try to rationalize it by saying I eat the salads
instead of the fries. I was proud of myself tonight though,
after cruising by work, have a problem with the water pipes
and need to shutdown servers and network equipment, I made
my way to a fast food restaurant when I told myself I need
to be an adult and eat dinner at home. I went home and
warmed up 2 pork chops, a bowl of soup. these are the type
of decisions I need to continue to make, I need to baby step
it. I could have had 1 pork chop, however, it is a start.
I did not do the easy thing and opt for fast food. yea baby!!


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