Barb

Dusty Memories
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2005-02-21 06:46:23 (UTC)

ok ok I have tried it all...haha

I guess all those sending me new book qoutes, and
poems...just don't get what I am trying to ...do! ~smirks~
Not that I do either...but I have tried them all...and
no...they simply do not work.

On another note....~soft sigh~ I feel like I was
becoming ...who...Dusty has become to me. And I pondered
whether I should become more like he seems to me...or be
myself. Revelation: I am like him~shudders~ In
relationships anyway...and no I am not refering to his
marraige I mean in *insignificant* ones. And yes....I am
assuming here that our relationship was insignificant to
him...he left me no choice in that particular thought
pattern
So Ron...said something that I could have taken
*emotionally* and chosen one of two routes....stay or
flee...Or I could have taken it flippantly..almost
relieved..and took the opportunity to hide away...and not
have to deal with it. A dustyism if ever there were one
So of course....I'm hiding~soft laugh~
There are of course major differences...one being....We
have only chatted maybe two months...that in and of itself
was a huge point in my self bargaining phaseYeah so I
delude myself...who doesn't? And then of course...we have
never met. Although I did fall in love with D. without
meeting him So I tell myself this....Is it not much
better...for me to go away and hide....disappear...before
we met? Well of course it is!!! Come onnnnnn...think
back!!! If I had never met D. my life would be
different...I would not feel such a *real* tangible
loss...I would not feel used...or like I whored myself out
to the first guy who could string a half way decent
sentence together! I know that in RL it would not work out
with Ron....good god I never even cybered himthanks Dusty
for that ohhh soo immense amount of confidence I now have
And even if I had...it would not be the same in RL. It
wasn't with D. He was gentle...guiding...almost as if he
were not confidant~small frown~ Although I do attribute
that to him seeing me...and instantly being dissappointed.
Did I thank you D. for my much heralded confidence?
~ughhh~
Anyway...I did like a few people I chatted with in
there...but I suppose we sacrifice...when we decide to
dissappear.
And who am I kidding anyway...I'm not going to find who I
am looking for on line...nor in RL if truth be told. I
found him once....we get no second chances....he explained
that to me...in no uncertain terms.
~sighs~ I'm tired....and sleep has always welcomed me with
better thoughts than wake.
~Ciao~


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