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2005-02-20 08:08:10 (UTC)

The day the Lord made

Today I had absolutely no plans when I woke up, and that
just happened to be at 1:35ish. That's probably because I
stayed on the phone with Jon until 4:30ish. I realize he
did this after reading my diary entry, so thanks Jon. I
know you were tired. You didn't have to, but it meant a
lot to me.

mean I obviously can't stop you, but it stuff I need to
write that you don't necessarily want to read. soo... I
wish I could feel completely plutonic towards you as you
do towards me. I miss you. Not physically. I'm past
craving your kiss (well to an extent. i mean you are the
best kisser I've ever dated.) I miss knowing that I'm
desired. I miss the security of knowing that you aren't
going to pursue the extremely hot chicks that surround
you. But I have no right to you. I have no right to
security or being desired or anything... except your
friendship. I don't know what I'm going to do. I cannot
bear the thought of you dating someone else. I mean I
just looked at your facebook thing and realized you were
listed as single and I think the break in my heart tore a
little farther, especially with the "love?" thing I don't
know I have no right to that feeling either. I have no
right to feel any claim towards you now, but I can't help
it. Why wasn't I good enough? Why is it ok to think of
dating someone else, but the idea of dating me was
intolerable. Why is the interest in love with someone
else acceptable and not of looking for it in me. Do I
really have no hope? I mean I thought there was a
chance. If I am truly completely out of the question
forever and you know so why don't you tell me? I mean I'm
trying to untie the string as it is, but if I really have
no hope, I need to do a better job than I was going to
do. You're ideal jon, so I'm reluctant to give up
entirely, but for your sake should I? I guess I shoud. I
dont' know. I just want you so badly. What am I going to
do with myself? Please God help! I'm sick. There I did
it. I actually cried. Alas, no good only three tears
before I gained control again. Why can't I just let
go?!?! I miss naps. Sorry. I wish I were
better. I wish I could just be happy where I am. I feel
that if I could only know my story will end like that of
Celest Holmes character in High Society I could play the
role. I don't know that. I need to get over myself. I
just don't want to. Why can't I just sort everything
out. I'm so frustrated. I could cry, but unfortunately I
can't. Sometimes I wish I could just get drunk and feel
happy or at least be honest with myself, just escape for
awhile. You're the only person I trust enough to drink
around, plus I evidently don't like alcohol. Bleh.
That's not a good solution for anything anyway. I just
need a break. Sorry for the way I am. Thank you for
remaining my friend even though I'm annoying and beg for
attention. I don't know how to act a lot of the time, so
I appoligize for my akwardness. You're one of the only
people here I truly enjoy spending time with. I have the
most fun with you. I dont' get tired of you. Sorry. --
What disgusts me is that even though I said all of this it
isn't out yet. adlk fjlkdm faowie !


So today was a great day, I went thrift
shopping. That always distracts me for awhile. It did
try my patience after a while though. I mean Merkle and
Rachel had to try on like half the story. The records
held my attention for a long time, but not more than two
hours. And we did spend in large excess of two hours
there. And God and I both love Rachel but LORD HELP! My
patience only lasts so long. I don't think she knows how
to consider other people. I am not a babysitter, nor a
coat rack, a thank you!!! The records I got are AWESOME
though. The Eagles Greatest Hits, Dirty Dancing
soundtrack, Terri Gibbs, Christine McVie, Frank Sinatra,
and more. YAY! how awesome. And the ever popular old
lady skirts. We got Arby's and I called you cause I
thought about you and wanted you to see my records.
Merkle and I talked for awhile. I wish she didn't have to
feel the way she does about Soccer. I know it hurts her
deeply. He's not worth it. I want to skip the next 4
years of my life so when I wake up I have completed my
education, obtained a steady career, and happily married.
Its scary that within the next five years some of the
biggest decisions in my life will have been made. May God
guide me because I'm not smart. I'm excited about
tomorrow. Alot of people have said they are coming to the
concert. I hope I don't screw anything up and that we're
on as a choir. If we're on it will be spectacular! My
parents and maybe my grandmother are coming. Jon, Alicia,
Rachel, and others, I can't even remember who all have
said they would be there. Anyway, it's gonna be great. I
hope. This is entirely too long. Thanks for the blessing
of a day God. I even felt pretty. Yours... Cassie

Final thought: This is the day (This is the day) That the
Lord has made (That the Lord has made) I will rejoice (I
will rejoice) and be glad in it (and be glad in it) This
is the day (This is the day) that the Lord has made.

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