Artistman

TheArtistman
2005-02-19 15:37:06 (UTC)

continued...

...so I got out of prison and went to stay with someone. in
the meantime I went and found out where this dickhead was
and told him to meet me in town by a bus-stop. He
reluctantly did and I came over to him with my plan all
ready to go. First he said that he was in a rehab and that
was why he disappeared for the court
dates...ok...whatever...so I told him I had three options
when I planned this meeting...one: kill him (which is out
of the question cuz then I would just go to jail for
real...two: hurt him real bad...(but by then I didnt want
to hurt him cuz I knew I could..) and three: Take him to a
lawyers office to sign a drawn up confessional taking full
responsibility for the accident. Thats all I wanted..I
wanted something that I could show anyone who gave a rats
ass that I wasnt at fault on this one. Still...thats all I
did and he agreed to pay for the damage (13000 dollars) but
he only paid me 100 dollars and dissapeared..haha..I kept
his money order and confession to this day. So that was it.
I never heard anything from the insurance companies and I
never heard anything from him after that. I just paid my
fine off...got a job...got an apartment...and kept on
keeping on. I still drank but didnt get nuts like i used
to. Kinda got tired of the fines I paid over the years..and
all the damage I caused to my property. And kinda didnt
like being a freaking dumbass in public so much as I used
to..heehehe...I didnt care years ago at all...never even
crossed my mind...So to make a long story short...Four
years ago sometime near the end of summer I went down to my
local bar and bought a six pack of bud...everything was
going pretty cool...just relaxing on a hot summer
night...and i said to myself..I am gonna drink this six
pack and stop drinking for awhile...that while became a bit
over four years now. I can remember the night like it was
yesterday. Weird huh. And I havent had a drink since that
night. Yeah..kinda freaks me out too..haha. So I also left
out all the relationships and girlfriends I had along the
way. I think I only loved one and it was actually only a
six month relationship. I dont understand that at all but I
know now that it was love. I still love her. We broke up
cuz I drove truck and she worked out of state for days at a
time and we never saw each other. Everyone has one of those
people during there lifetime that becomes the "what if"
person. She is my "what if" I didnt let her go person. If I
tried harder to hold onto her. But ya know...at the time I
didnt see the big picture..I didnt see what was happening.
I just let it happen. So today I am someone reinvented I
like to say. I tried hard to be someone I like a bit more
when I look in the mirror. Someone who isnt quite an ass
and actually says nice things to people (ok..lets just say
most people) for no reason. Someone who walks through every
storm that life throws at me knowing there is sunshine or
some other happy shit on the other side. I actually conned
myself into believing I could be that person..the one who
had there shit together everyday..haha. Well, that didnt go
according to plan but it came pretty close. I know who I am
and I can live with it. What happened was I pretended to be
that "together" person and knew I was a fake but I just
kept doing it and one day I turned around and I became that
person but not really a together person..rather a content
with lifes ups and downs..taking it as it comes and dealing
with it head on. I try to better myself everyday but the
thing that saved me four years ago from my downward spiral
was the thing I love most today....my art. I traded my old
life in and concentrated on my artwork..no bars...I just
painted..every single day...painted and painted and drew
and read every art book in the library then started buying
my own (I now have a nice art library)...and I ate,
breathed, and slept art. It was my escape from life. I was
in the world of the immpressionist, the modernist, the
traditonalist, I was in the rivers of paris, I was in
southern france, I was in New york, I was everywhere in my
mind that the painters in these books were..anywhere but in
the present. Then as time passed...I mellowed on the art
and learned so much a little at a time. I started making
art friend and new friends and for the first time since i
could remember my neighbors actually say hi to me and have
normal conversation instead of giving me shitty looks and
bolting inside there homes. Kinda cool. I think the first
major setback I have had is my car just got stole..but ya
know what..its out of my hands and Im not gonna sit around
thinking about it. I left it running and the dude (or
chick) who took it is a thief so...hey...thats what thiefs
do. Take stuff. My bad. End of conversation. Im just not
gonna be such a dumbass anymore. They say everything
happens for a reason...I always believed that...always.
In time as i look back I usually am able to find those
answers..its always in time. So now when ya read my
journal at least you kinda got some kinda background and I
kinda feel like keeping this thing going. I was gonna
delete it the other night but then decided to write a
freaking billion page novel...lol
Gotta fly......The artistman




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