X is my secret.
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2005-02-18 18:35:41 (UTC)

Just another [email protected]#$ed up day

Well, so here's the news. I have not a clue where my life is
going, and I think I made the biggest mistake of my life. I
dunno what to say, all of my emotions are rushing and all
jumbled and make no sense. So much so that I can't even sit
still. I'm all shaky and crap.

I just want to cry over and over and over. ButI can't. I
have to be "strong". Wow. . . rejection. . .it's a bitch.
Thing is, I haven't really been rejected officially, and so
I can't move on, bc the hopeless romantic I am, wants him to
go against the odds. I am so stupid, not only for hoping for
that, but also for even telling him that.
I mean any sane woman knows not to freakin' say the L word
unless you're sure he's not going to run away. I'M SO

Oh, no here's the best part. So I lost my v-card, and
everyone keeps asking me why. I'm like I have no clue, there
are so many diff. reasons. I mean Jess told me to go for it
bc then it wouldn't hurt or be bloody for John. Well. . . I
thought that was a good idea. Then I talked to Jenny. Jenny
made me realize something completely differnt.

You see Jenny wanted to know why, when I had all these
feelings for John, I went and gave it away to some random
guy. (Which Anton is not as random as she thinks, he's a
good friend. HE's a Kiwi and works at a camp all year long.
We share lots of fun camp stories, and he really has been
trying to help me get with John.) Well anyway, Jenny made me
realize, what happened. I love John, with all my heart, but
when I didn't get the love I wanted from him (not even the
simplest signs) I went looking somewhere else, and found
Anton. It was just like Deb says "Women use Sex for feeling
love and men use 'feeling' Love for sex."

Well I skipped work today too, didn't feel like going in,
kinda glad i didn't, i got to talk to john. i really need to
get out of Ames soon and have some fun, really, i'm going
nuts. It's hard to keep busy in this little town. I'm
listening to Dashboard Confessional, the song Hands Down is
reminding me of John and camp the most right now. The others
make me think of John too, but yeah. I'm such a freaking
romantic idiot and i need to just get over this all and do
what i want, and if i have to do it alone, fine. I want his
help, but if I can't get it, I'll deal, whatever.

I have to get out of here. And Ireland is the only other
place I wanna be.

With or without him.


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