2005-02-18 04:51:25 (UTC)

sing me to sleep

i hate myself. i've fucked up so much. bland won't fucking
speak to me, i've gained a ton of weight, and i'm
flunking. oh AND i spent a ton of money on a ton of CRAP.
could i be anymore of a lazy biotch?? someone fucking kill
me... and yet still i crave pity. and when i say kill me
really i mean, someone rescue me so i don't have to deal
with anything and can continue on being lazy. WHATS WRONG
WITH ME!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!? there are no words. other
than fuck.
KFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. i'm not sure whether i should kill
myself or be selfish a little longer, take advantage of
whatever else i can, and then kill myself, or maybe live
out my natural life as i become a bum and die on the
streets. or get my fuckin shit together. but i can't.
every time i try i just fall apart. i was getting
somewhere today. i actually started doing stats. and then
i fucking felt so fat all of a sudden i felt physically
ill. and then i spiralled, and no work was done. maybe i
should check myself into a mental hospital.. yeah... cause
we know how much fucking fun those are. why am i so
FUCKING LAZY!? i don't know whats wrong with me... i don't
know why i can't just stop complaining and start doing
something. most of the time it just doesnt seem important.
and then when it does i'm just thrown into a panic and am
unable to do anything because i'm panicking. why? why am i
such a filthy horrible person? why am i such a failure,
such a disgrace? and why don't i care enough to do
anythign about it? i've no conscience even.... i'm a
fucking monster.

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