*K*

daily self deceptions...
2005-02-16 18:23:54 (UTC)

Better tho even more confusing

Well, since the last time I wrote.
Later that night I did talk to 'Dirty'. He knew something
was bothering me but obviously I couldn't tell him I was
reading his emails so I just finally said I wanted to know
when the last time he talked to her was, yadda yadda. I do
believe him that he's not with her anymore. So it must've
just been a dumb mess up on his fathers part.
Things with him have been better. We have yet to have any
arguments or anything lately. We've both maintained calm,
etc.
Valentines Day was this past Monday. I forced him into a
promise that he wouldn't send me anything, even tho he
wanted to. So we finally came to a common ground that we
would just send eachother cards. But by that time, it was
already Saturday so neither of us will get our VDay cards
till today or tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.
My BF and I went out to breakfast Monday (VDAY) morning.
That was it. He didn't even get me a card. Then he went
home basically immediately there after breakfast was over.
So my vday was spent alone. I talked to 'Dirty' on and off
all day but he was hella busy with his college classes and
work.
Yesterday he and I talked for a lot and he told me how
hard it was for him to not jump on a plane and just press
his luck and be here. I'm glad he didn't. I need to feel
comfy for our first time. I need to feel secure and not
surprised.
I'm talking to him right now. He's at work and I'm online
keeping him company. He has a long day today. All that does
is make him start thinking. Then he seemingly gets angry
and or depressed of sorts. Generally just unhappy.
I'm sick. All I wanna do is sleep. Yet I feel if I leave
him he'll just get even more unhappy. He's already said I'm
like a calming factor for him. When he was still fighting,
he found himself thinking of me and my thoughts and
happiness and such, to stop him from fighting or to stop
him from going further and really really hurting someone.
I dunno. I wish I could just help everyone. Make everyone
happy.


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