duckie

duckzilla
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2005-02-16 09:47:05 (UTC)

The insanity and the debauchery and the confusion

Oh what a glorious valentines day. On first glance at
least. An immemorable experience with two of my closest
friends. Many of our strangest dreams surprisingly
achieved, many of our sexual tensions relieved in one
beautiful yet strange as I could possibly imagine... but
then it forms a head that makes everything come to the
surface and be crystal clear. Important conversations
have to be had between each of us, and while she and I
spend the afternoon on the phone, relieved to talk about
it and find out that it did indeed happen and was not just
a strange dream, he skips town to Vegas for the week. She
blames me at first "you'd been talking about this before -
it's all your fault Duckie". This morning he said "I
blame the double bed". She said she blames me. And I
said I blame him. After all it was him who started it.
While certainly not the first time cuddling in bed with
these two girls, for some reason something came over him.
A strange relationship where it always seemed that while
there were some obvious tensions between the three, we
could always cuddle and it would be perfectly innocent.
Well not entirely perfectly innocent... like the strip
poker night, or if I suggested we take our pants off, or
if the two of them were just so focused on each other that
I felt like a third wheel but absolutely miserable because
I was crazy about him and there was nothing I could do or
say. Or I would accidentally fondle her... And while
they left me out, if I tried to leave "No duckie, stay"
would be one of their sleepy voices and an arm reaching
out to pull me back. But it seemed to me that nothing
would ever happen, not between the three of us. Not
between either of them and me.
And so I was surprised, lying in bed in the middle of the
night having slept a couple hours and woken up and
snuggled up to them, the have him subtlely (sp?) move my
hand downwards, ever so slightly entering his pants.
First thought "he did that by accident" We'd been trying
to get me to stop grabbing her breasts whenever I tried to
put my arm around her stomach. I was trying to landmark
bellybuttons, so my hand would end up there, not somewhere
else. I leave my hand there, don't move it, trying to
decide if this was a mistake. Sure it was, I can't
picture him trying anything like this, he's had the
opportunity so many times, but if I accidentally approach
one of his "happy no no places" theres a red alert and
everything stops. He would have moved it had he not wanted
it there. He would have moved it any other day. I decide
I'm imagining things and move my hand away, up higher,
accidentaly fondle her breast. him: "Duckie, we need to
set rules for you, your thumb stays in my belly button"
Her: "with you, it should be her pinkie in your belly
button" Silence: he moves my hand down again, lower, over
the pants but right onto his erection. Mistake??? I doubt
it as things escalate... and the night becomes one the
three of us will never forget. So he did start it. And
it wasn't my doing. And while I was happy to go along
with it, I don't think I would have initiated that on my
own.
When I convince her that he started it she is mad at him.
Says he's manipulative, doing this when he knows he's
taking off to vegas the next day and won't be able to talk
about it. He's evasive of issues like this, we both know
this, but so is she, Apparantly I'm the only one with
balls. I'm also the only one who doesn't break out of my
comfort zone. Until today when I think about what happens
next. See, I've spent the last 4 months trying to get the
two of them to hook up. They were both crazy about each
other but neither one would make the first move, afraid to
ruin their friendship, worried about ex's, best friends,
expectations, the whole slew of things that makes both
guys and girls too shy to let the other know what they
feel. I did what I could I talked to both of them, I even
put them in bed together one night and nothing
happened... Geez. Although perhaps it was my lack of
subtlety. I was blatantly obvious with both of them.
Perhaps I was trying to sabotage it. After all I was
insanely jealous of them, of all the time he spent with
both of us but was really focused on her. I had a crazy
crush, wanted to jump him, but couldn't say anything to
either of them because of the situations I had put us in.
So I hit on her all the time, made up a fake crush on her,
which was amusing because it made her uncomfortable, but
it seemed to mask the true object of my affection. And
then she nailed it on the head... "You're Cyrano de
Bergerac, and he's Roxanne and I'm the other guy". Cyrano
is in love with his cousin Roxanne but he lacks the self
confidence to tell her because he is ugly and has a big
nose. He helps this other guy woo her by writing love
notes to her (signed by the other guy), of course, they
reveal his true feelings. In the end when Roxane finds
out the truth it is too late and Cyrano is dying. So
basically she suggests that I'm trying to set them up but
really its me that has feelings for him, suggesting in our
case that me and him will end up together (which sounds
good to me, but damned if I can say anything). I
adamantly deny that this is the case and make jokes about
it with the both of them.
At the same time I'm suffering, having to leave the house
in tears one night because I just can't take being around
the two of them...
ANd then last night. What now, does all my work pay off
and they end up together? If so, what of my jealousy, how
do our friendships survive, how do I possibly deal? What
if he does by some strange miracle have feelings for me
after all. After all, if it was her that his attraction
lies, why did he go down on me and not her... why why why?
and what now, I told her there was some truth to the
Cyrano theory, so she would feel guilty if she did
anything to make me feel jealous and lonely, and I know
neither of us wants him to strain our relationship.
Stress, Stress, Stress, but maybe it's not that, maybe
it's the other crap that happened to work itself into my
life today, maybe it was the beautiful event it seemed at
the time.
What a ridiculous, debaucherous situation.


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