2005-02-16 03:49:16 (UTC)

It's Been so long

i was constantly recieving those obnoxious emails from this
diary website about my diary that hadn't been written in
for ages and for some reason today i was compelled to
actually open it. Turns out my last entry was in 2001, and
it is presently 2005. i was 14, i was sad, angry, and
confused, and i realize at 17 that i was very very
foolish. I read the entries i had written and took the
time to look at the scars on my hands, arms, and legs, the
ones that won't go away, that i have to explain to the
people who enter my life and become close enough to me to
notice, that i'll have to explain to mu husband, and
eventually mu children. i have finally started
professional thearopy after 4 years of trying to deal with
my dad being sick, almost dying, losing his leg and
multiple jobs, my sister going away, my mom working and
never home, losing all of our money and moving from our big
beautiful house into this shitty townhome.

here's the updated version of my life. My dad is back on
his feet (no pun intended...) and has a job in upstate new
york. my mom is still working, and i am a senior in high
school, eager and ready to graduate. in july we move out to
the brand new house we're building in NY and in september i
start school, what school i am not quite sure of yet, but
when i find out i will be sure to let you all know.

i think the wierdest thing about looking back on this is
that i barely remembered all of these things that i've
written about, and most of them were a really big deal to
me then and are still now that i think about it. it just
goes to show that humans hold a great ability to cope and
block out what makes us sad and upset, like sum sort of
autopilot when we feel like we can barely go on. that's
reassuring to me. i feel great and i am in a really good
place. i have a lot of regrets, like not getting help when
i should have, taking on too much and burning myself out,
losing touch with people i love. but for every regret i
have a new and great thing in my life, new friends, better
health, strength in my family. i am not ashamed of myself
anymore, i'm not angry at my dad or my sister, i filtered
out the people in my life that were hurting me and filled
my life with people that were kind to eachother and kind to
themselves because it made me want to be kind to myself,
too. i got really involved in theater and anything to do
with public speaking. it was like i discovered someone in
me that i had never known and fell in love that that
version of myself and i would never go back to where i was
before. i'm glad i kept this diary even though it was for
such a short time. it showd me a lot.