ozlem84

my truth
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2005-02-15 15:06:08 (UTC)

intro

using this diary might help me to understand myself, or it
might just be a waste of time because i could be spending
this time talking to a friend....but what if its better to
keep some truth to ur self....

i've made this diary public because it going to be mostly
about relationships and i think its usefull to now how
other people cope with their relaitonships- becuase you
may
be facing the same difficulties....


soo here i go.....

im 20...going uni....nearly done with that...have a very
loong distance realtionship with my boyfriend.....he is in
a different country...!...its going to be 4 years, that
sounds like a very long time.... well it feels even
longer...

he is my first crush...so that makes it special...which is
why i want to hold on to it....but the distance is making
it verryy difficult becuase as years go by im starting to
loos faith in out relationship.....he's never been to
london...he will hopefully this summer.....but that means
i have to marry him to get him over here...the law....he
is not in a EU country so he needs a visa ....etc....that
makes it more annoying...cus its such a hassle....not only
that i dont want to marry him this summer!...its too
soon....marrying at the ag of 20 is too soon ...for me
anyway.....i see married couples around me....the are
under tight responsibilities....less freedom...less
indpendance....its not what i need right now......

i cant wait for my studis to b over...cus atleast i would
be more independant...my 'proper' life will begin....i
will begin to explore myself more ...and i want to do that
whil im single not in a marriage....

the guy.....who is he?...my cousin.....yep my cousin...to
him its completly normal...in fact its th best thing...so
he cannot understand how i feel about him being my
cousin....u cant help not having a crush on someone....and
thats who i had my crush on....i never knew who he was
before....i met him when i was 15..while i was on
holiday...things were just soo simple then...you cant
think or see what ahead of you then....u just try to enjoy
the time you havse now....i didnt have a crush on him
then...i guess i just liked him as a person...he was not
immature.....very respectfull,,,,extremly good to his
parents and the rest of his family....so he had all that
lovey dovey character....someone who is nice to have
around...i went back to that place after two years....nad
my feelings for him grew...maybe it was becuase i was
thinking about him alot.....so it could have been
a 'psychological trap'...but it felt good.......i think

so there i am talking about all this to my closest friend
there....his sister!....she was thrilled to hear the
news....i told her to be quite for awhile...untill i was
sure if he likes me or not....if she is sure that he does
like me then it was cool to let him know......

and she did......i wasnt there when they had'the'
conversation....he seemed really happy and shy...i think...
he was very quite...not talkative.....he just expected me
to know how he was in person through silence....so i began
to make guesses.....i didnt stay much there..it was time
to come back to london....the farwell was not upsetting
from my side...but aparently he was very emotional...he
cried.... how come i didnt?....that puzzled me....i am
usually emotional....but y not this time??

and soo the realtionship went on through phone
calls....writing letters.....yeah the first year was all
perfect.....the things u would expect in a first time
realtionship....'i love u' i miss u'.....etc....

but now that were in the fourth year with out no
arguements.....makes it alittle peculiar.....

he is still quite...doesnt talk much....im tired of
encouraging him....which discourages me to talk....but
other than that he is still polite, gentle, trustfull
etc....what els could i be asking for...plus he is a non-
smoker.....and my family is oky to have him.....so why am
i begining to feel uncomfortable.....i am the problem....i
dont like anyone else....he deosnt like anyone else....i
think then what is it...we are both extremly
devoted......im just waiting to see him again....i know he
would want to get close to me physically...but i dont like
that....i will have to stay in distance from him,,,i dont
want to give myself to someon without feeling complete
comfort...and having no doubts in our relationship...i am
the 'after marriage' type cus i strongly believe that that
makes marriage very very special...and it makes you
valuable and respected....i guess he feels the same ...but
guys....u never know.....

so right now i am in a middle of 'what the hell is going
on' hopfully when i see him this summer things would seem
much clearer.....

adios



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