Charles Deason

My Blue Sky
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2005-02-14 20:50:49 (UTC)

Valentines Day of 2005

Today it is valentines day... ::sighs:: I'm no closer
to Astrid than I was over a year ago. At least thats what I
feel. I'm calling her tonight at least. I know now how
important our communication was to her and me... And the
fact that we have to meet to keep going on as two in a
relationship... Nice going Charles, you totally blew your
chances of being happy with the one girl you've always
dreamed of. -_-
It hurts even on this beautiful day. Its always going
to hurt I guess. Its alright though, God helped me to
choose this path for a reason. Perhaps this is the lesson
he wanted to teach me until that right moment comes. I
won't make anymore wrong decisions that will hurt me, or
make things worse thats for sure. Yes and even though I now
walk the path of being righteous in my heart, pain will
always follow. Even if I do accomplish everything I've been
aiming for... and even if my dreams do acually come true.
This is a part of growing up now and sorting out my
own priorities. My life doesn't just revolve around the
girl I'm still in love with... by that I mean Astrid. I
believe God has given me this time in life to figure out
how I'm going to live for the next few years... if anything
I will learn how to survive and plan ahead in the world for
me and the people I love. Maybe I can save enough money for
college and get the education I need to maintain a healthy
life style.
Another one of my dreams came back to me in my rest
last night. I remembered I want to be writer. Not just
that, I want practice kendo and go to japan to compete in
the world championships. I also want to play my guitar and
be a musician and play those sad songs in my head for when
I get lonely in life. There's more as well... I've always
wanted to be a painter. Everytime I see how wonderful God
has made nature... and then I think about all of the people
taking it away, I want to burn the images in the hearts of
the people who admire it the most. I want to paint natural
beauty and scenery and travel the world to see it all with
my heart.
No... I don't need a girl to share my dreams with or
help me to accomplish all of what I want to do. BUT I do
need a girl to raise a family with one day. I do need a
girl to share my life and love with too. I hate that fact
that I'm all on my own now, without that special someone
anymore. I can't say that its ok or that it will be alright
either... because I don't know. All I DO know is that I
love her, and I'm in an extroadinary amount of pain in my
heart. Even so, ::sigh:: I need to continue on in my life,
because I have hope and strength in prayer. And I have
faith in my savior. Thats all for now, I'll write again

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