Let's see how long this lasts
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2005-02-14 20:38:33 (UTC)


that is out of my system. I'm holding up today. It's a
world of desertion. I was going to eat alone. Found like
three people who said they might go, but then they for one
reason or another were unable. so i was like screw it! I
dont' care. I'll just wait until like 5:00 and maybe I'll
make it on one meal today. The world does not revolve
around me. I just have to keep saying it. It's true.
Face the facts, Cassie, nothing is going to work the way
you want it. It's better that way. God knows so much
more than you, so anything you think is completely
insignificant and stupid compare to God's omniscience. I
dressed in black today, but it was getting me down.
Really down. I changed to a bright red top to be kind of
festive at least. I'm such a four year old. Isn't
everyone though. I don't think I deal with the day any
better or worse than anyone else. I like the idea of this
day. It's quite sweet actually. In that way, I didnt'
feel like I should push my depression on everyone else
through my Stevie Nicks outfit. I actually felt self
concious. Like I was behaving like a child. Any other
day I could have worn that confidently, but not today.
How immature of me. Bleh. I want to hang out with Jon,
but he's upstairs doing something and I dont' want to
bother him. I have no right to him. I'm just bored.
Maybe I'll nap. I need one. I'm very easily angered or
hurt today. At least I look ok. Jon gave me a Valentine
present anyway. I didn't want him to, but I gladly accept
it because it means a lot to me. We celebrated Valentines
day this morning at like 2:00. It was sweet. I'm glad we
can still have fun together. thanks for that.
I'm getting a lot of crap in that area of life though.
I'm having to fight so many people. My parents still like
him a lot... a whole lot. All of my friends though after
questioning me tell me he's a jerk and that he didn't try
and I should move on that he's got me on a string. I know
that none of this is true. I know that Jon's a wonderful
person who wouldn't hurt without reason. It's not really
his fault he hurt me its mine. I believe that he tried,
he just isn't ready yet. I respect that. Isn't my
opinion the one that matters above all of you people who
don't even know him? I am NOT on a string, or at least
wont' be for long. Sorry I'm not completely over him
yet. Gosh! Give me time. Maybe I dont' want to move on
yet. That doesn't mean I won't. (deep breath!) No
Andrew Powell you are not always right. For a long time I
thought you were because I thought you hung the moon. You
don't know me better than I know myself. You don't know
him you have no right to criticize... although I know you
were just looking out for my best interest. and goodness
knows I appreciate that. thanks, but let me do what I
want. You know I will anyway. So, after that... a
smiling face to the outside world... and we're good to go.
Happy Valentines Day!

Final thought: I wanna sing you a love song. I wanna
rock you in my arms all night long. I wanna get to know
you. I wanna show you the peaceful feeling of my home.

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