Date With Destiny
2005-02-11 17:55:18 (UTC)

An Inspiration? - From jmcspedo on 2/13/2004 9:50:11 AM

I'd rather be dead (Long, but worth it!)
From jmcspedo on 2/13/2004 9:50:11 AM

Hi All, I am *not* the author of this text, but I found it
hugely inspirational.
Good Luck to my fellow Quitsters!

I was laying in bed this am thinking about life in general.
I do that a lot now because there is no rush to get up and
get a fix.

I thought about a lot of things and just before I got up it
dawned on me that smoking was not one of my first thoughts
as a matter of fact it only came to mind when I was
thinking about all the really bad stuff I have been through
in life.

There were days early in my quit that I just wanted to die.
Death seemed a better option then what I was feeling trying
to quit.

I remember being on the bathroom floor crying so hard I was
gagging (smoking realted) I never gag anymore.
Why the Bathroom floor you may ask, I have no earthly idea.

I mean it could have just as easily been the bed or a
chair, but I was just losing it and nothing I did or said
was making much sense.

My husband got on his knees and said "what can I do to
help"? I used words he was not accustomed to hearing from
me and told him I needed to smoke and that I couldn't do it.
I repeated over and over "I just cannot do this".
I didn't realize until much later that while I was saying I
just cannot do this... I was doing it! I was getting
through what ever life threw my way.
It wasn't necessarily the best way I can think of to handle
emotions, but I was new to it at the time and did the best
I could.

I was new to not smoking when things got hard and putting
aside what ever the problem was until I smoked two or three.

Simple everyday life things came at me when I first quit
and I felt overwhelmed. I mean my car needed work and they
actually wanted me to wait while they fixed it! I couldn't
see doing that ...didn't they know I couldn't smoke while I
waited? that I didn't know how to wait and not smoke?
It felt like the world would end that day.

It didn't though, I got something to drink and looked
around at things I didn't notice much before like the
beauty of the sky, the trees flowing in the wind, Flowers
in bloom, birds
chirping. I guess that was all clouded before by all that
smoke I so blindly sat in thinking I had it all together.

I look back on all of it and there were 100's of times I
"I cannot do this"
100's of times I said"I am just going to smoke this too
100's of times I said this isn't the right time and got in
my car to go buy a pack.
AND 100's of times I got through each temptation each so
called crave some I really believe were just thoughts.
100's of times I got out of the car realizing that smoking
was not the answer and that I already had everything I
needed inside me to deal with life and in my house in my
husband and children.

I hated the fact hat I had even tried to quit because now
people expected me not to smoke.
They looked forward to a healthier me. My logic was if I
had not tried to quit I could still smoke with out letting
anyone down. I hated my own Quit I hated that I had ever
tried to quit at all! I believed I was in prison and
smokers were free.

I began to think dying from lung cancer would be better
then feeling as bad a s I was. How utterly stupid! SO
I am embarrassed to say I thought that way.
That thinking now makes me laugh and cringe too, I cannot
believe I thought that way and actually tried to make
logical arguments out of junkie thinking. I actually got
mad when anyone said my arguments made no sense.
I no longer have those kinds of thoughts at all.

I resented people in my life enjoying anything. I would see
my husband sit down and act like he enjoyed drinking his
coffee and I would just steam inside, because I didn't feel
I had anything left to enjoy. He Wanted me to stay quit,
but he could sit there doing all the same things he had
always done while I had top relearn everything.
I just resented it, because at the time there was nothing I
enjoyed I even hated eating because I didn't know what to
do with myself after I was done.
Now I just feel full like everyone else when I am done
eating and I am not looking for anything else to do.
The act of eating for me now is complete when the meal is
done. seems simple enough and the way it was always meant
to be.

I hated waking up because it meant doing things different
then I could ever remember doing. I actually ate breakfast
instead of smoking for my morning meal.
I hated soda because I associated that with smoking.

It seemed all the things that once made me happy I now
disliked. I hurt inside daily for a while like someone had
died... I mean down to my soul deep, deep, pain. I had no
clue who I was now or how to live my life.
I mean I cried! For Me crying was rare.
It took something like death or serious illness of a loved
one to make me shed a tear before.
I was not a sensitive type of female at all.
Here I was now crying if someone looked at me wrong.
I felt silly too, I felt like I must look funny doing this
instead of smoking. I thought smoking made me look cool
like I was deep in thought even when I wasn't.
I thought it masked pain so I just appeared unshaken to
whom ever was around.

I found out later that most of family saw me as not very
strong at all because I needed that crutch to deal with
everything even shopping. I also found out that my pain was
never masked they saw right through it all.

I was never this cool tuff girl I had created in my own
head to them just and addict who smoked to deal with life
and they saw long before I did that it never solved

It was horrible at times and really hard to do, the hardest
thing I have ever done in fact. At the same time it is by
far one of the biggest, best, and most important
accoplishments in my life.

I love soda, and all other foods probably to much now,
more than I ever did smoking. I am no longer resentful
toward other people because they are enjoying things in
life, because I am enjoying those things with them.

Waking up is only hard for me now when I didn't get enough
sleep. I do not wake up feeling like anything is missing.

I am no longer plagued with thoughts of smoking, not
smoking, how hard it is or isn't, anything else smoking
II think my days are just normal days now.

I get through my day and smoking doesn't cross my mind.
Neither does the fact that I am not smoking.
I just live life the same way everyone else does.

I am not saying that smoking or the fact that I used to do
it doesn't enter my mind. I wouldn't be here today if it
But it crosses my mind in a very different way now.
I want others to know it can be done no matter how hard and
impossible it seems at first. I think about all the help I
got here and want to give back. I have regrets now, but it
is not that I quit.. It is that I ever started.
I also hope I didn't do irreversible damage.
those are my thoughts now.

I know I never needed it. I know life is livable,
enjoyable, and doable without them. My life is better! I am
I am not just saying that, it is real.
Just how much better I feel physically alone is worth every
minute I suffered in the beginning. Not to mention all the
other benifits. If you stick it out, you will be here
listing all the ways your life has improved just hoping
someone will believe what you say so that they also stick
it out.

I could have given in, but had I done that, I would never
know the comfort I know now, the health, the happiness and
the peace. There is an elation that comes with no longer
being a prisoner to something that is killing you.
If I had given in I would still be smoking my life away
believing freedom is unobtainable and continuing to poison
myself until early death came my way.

Stick it out! It gets better! As bad as it gets trying to
quit, being terminally ill would be much worse.
Tobacco companies have had enough of your money, they are
filthy rich while they rob you of not only your money but
your health and ultimately your life.
Use your lungs for breathing air the way they were meant to
be used and watch and see how much better life will get.

Smoking is something I no longer choose to do. It no longer
has a hold on me. I am no longer it's prisoner.
I am not consumed by thoughts of it.
I believed what was said here "IT GETS BETTER" I hung on to
those words, fought through it, and you know what they were
So much better! It is only better because I stuck it out
and never took another puff!
Days of just wanting to die are now over I have peace and
want to live a long life and watch my kid grow.
I hope this helps anyone here struggling.
I was blessed enough with the People here helping see light
in total darkness and lies in my head and I just want to
help where I can now that I am in the light of truth.