Amnesia

dude
2005-02-10 19:02:18 (UTC)

This guy sucks, I need independence!!!

Okay, so get this, This guy turns out to be, much to my
surprise, just like the rest of them. He does not have
time for me at all. What?!?! We mad out twice, and all of
a sudden you don’t have the time to get to know me? WTF?
The gals told me to look out, that he’s fast, but I didn’t
really think too much of it right away. The one thing I
thought was that for a first date that was pretty cool.
That the second time we meet we’re going to have to sit
down and actually talk. That did not happen. I called him
when I was bored at a bar with Refie Monday night. I kept
looking at the guys not paying attention to them because I
thought that they didn’t match up to him. I got some
looks, but this guy started talking to Refie, and I felt a
little left out there, drinking my orange juice, not
amused at all, nothing to do, that guy talking to her, no
good people for me to talk to, and no guys compared. So He
just got out of work and I called him.

I don’t know, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m sending the wrong
signals. He came by to surprise me. Unfortunately, it
wasn’t much of a surprise since I saw his car coming by. I
turned my back to him until he came so he thought that I
was surprised. He asked me do I want to go somewhere with
him. I looked at the dead bar with Refie talking to that
guy, and I pictured what could have happened had I gone
back there. I know that I would just sit there, just as I
had before and nothing would be going on. So I figure what
the hell. At least I can kiss this guy. So we walk towards
his car, and surely enough we kiss, try to figure out
where to go. He’s shivering, and I’m shivering. I can’t
think of a good place. All that is on my mind right now is
that he’s cold. I have him put his hands under my shirt in
the back to get some warmth. That solution didn’t work
very well.

We get in the car and try to decide further. Kiss some
more, and I told him, from what I know at this time, our
options are, to see a movie, play pool, bowl, or eat. He
tells me he doesn’t eat past 6 or 8. (quite frankly I try
not to either but does are our options.) So he says that
there are no movies playing at this time, and he doesn’t
want to shoot pool or bowl. (He came here rather then go
to the gym) I tell him, you know I laid out all the
options I could for you. Surprise me he says. I said I
don’t know what else we could do. Kiss some more.

So we go over to his place. In the basement. We’re on the
floor, it’s carpeted in a room. He brings in a heater, we
make out some more. I try to make conversation. Asked him
how many girls he’s dated, kissed. Apparently he only
dated one, and that was suppose to be me. (Talked to
Teresa, she doesn’t believe it.) Apparently, he kissed
only two. (Teresa and I both don’t believe that one. He
cannot physically kiss that well, and be so sure and all
over me if he only kissed one, especially if they haven’t
dated. Unless he just had one to practice on, but I’d like
to leave that option out.) I assumed he’s a virgin from
that info. I know it’s not good to assume, but hey I
didn’t really want to ask him that there. I didn’t want
him to think I’m implying something. (Teresa says he is
definitely not, from what I’ve told her his behavior is
like.) So we kiss some more.

He tells me that he almost had a felony. I don’t like
that, that almost happened, but I do like the way he
behaved when he was telling the story. He was really into
it and it felt like we were having an actual conversation.
We kissed some more. He tried to go a bit further with me.
I guess he was testing his limits, but I don’t know.

Because of that he missed going to the gym and so he did
that Tuesday morning instead of seeing me. (He told me
he’ll do this.) I was a little upset, because, I was
looking forward to that. But I just figure okay, then I’ll
just see him on Thursday then. Wasn’t the case. I wanted
him to see me for about 5 minutes before he leaves, and
before I go to my next class that Tuesday at least. So I
tried to get a hold of him, but his phone was off. By the
time he called me back he was on his way out. He
apologized, but it’s not like he did that, this Thursday.
I just wanted to get to know him. I wanted to do that
whole relationship thing that couples do. Like him being a
gentleman and walking me to my class. Or hell, I
understand you have hardly any time, but at least you
know, spend 5 minutes with me between classes, tell me how
your day was, hold my hand, that whole thing. But he
didn’t do that.

I planned to get some pizza on Wednesday when he works. I
come in and he says: Czesc kochana, jak sie masz? (Mind
you that there are like 3 older polish guys sitting nearby
listening to this.) So I say czesc. He follows up with: z
serem? I, impressed say, yes (or tak, I don’t remember.)
So next he sais pienc, and asks me how to say 3, because
it cost 3. I tell him. He asks me how do you say 17. I
tell him. He’s being very cute and smiley, and says he
really wants to learn polish.

I thought I was going to see him the next day but I had
some time Wednesday so I wanted to go and get some hot
chocolate, or hell, do something. So I go, and he’s a
whole different person. Very cold, distant. I figure,
maybe it’s cause he should go on brake soon, and he’s been
standing all this time. Perhaps he’s just a little grumpy?
He sits for lunch, 2 tables away from me behind the
register. He’s eating a salad with water. I figure damn,
this guy is a freaking health freak. Well, keep exchanging
glances until he asks me something. Making conversation
better I move over there. He is constantly distracted by
going over there and ringing up customers.

Okay, cutting to the chase, some bad things happened: He
said that the people here (the cooks) think I’m beautiful,
but I have a big butt. I was a little appalled. He says,
hey at least I’m being honest. Would you rather have an
honest friend or a dishonest one. I answer, but mind you
he called me a friend. A friend? What’s that suppose to
mean. Is that all I am to him? Did he not stand up for me?
And get this, I ask him if I’ll see him tomorrow, he says
no, that he’s busy. So I ask him cutely, so you’re not
going to make any time for me? He (while stretching his
arms) says no, so you just came to say good-bye today then
right. I tell him, a bit more sternly (don’t think he
sensed it or cared,) yeah, I think I did.

So I leave, call Teresa and tell her what happened. I
wonder if it’s just something that I’ve done wrong to make
him a jerk towards me, I mean maybe I stopped by too much,
maybe we talked too much, maybe I just expected too much,
maybe I’m blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
We’ll see when I come back from Nashville. I need to get
things cleared up with him. It’s distracting. But I found
something out in this whole process.

After calling Teresa 5 times before the clock struck noon,
we realized that I’m dependent on other people to have
fun. It’s true. Not just to have fun either. In business I
was always like that. I’m independent of a trainer
finally, but I’m still dependent on his advice and
everything. When it comes to this, I know what I have to
do. I know what I need to do. Unfortunately yeah, it is
going to take some time, and Valentines is this Monday,
which will suck. But I really just need to learn to become
independent in anything I need.

I don’t know why I’m not. I mean, it’s all I wanted since
I was like 12. Now that I have the opportunity to do it I
don’t. I’m partially hurt. I just excommunicated most of
my friends about a month ago. Now I can’t stop calling
whoever I have left for advice, or just to talk. I never
want to do anything, but I always want to be happy with
friends. I want to be an individual, and take charge but
I’m scared of succeeding in that. I have a fear of being
direct, of success, of talking to people. I feel like
crap. He make me feel bad, and I blew it out of
proportion. Had I been independent, I wouldn’t have cared.
But gosh, why must everything for a woman be done on a
man’s schedule? Is it just this week that he completely
does not have time for me?

Teresa asked me, before everyone came along, what was it
that you did for fun at home. What did you do for joy when
there is no one to hang with? Well I told her I blast
music and dance to it, pretend I’m somewhere else. So
basically, I daydream. She told me, what happened though,
you used to paint, draw, study, do photography, do I not
have a hobby or something I could do. So I said I have not
patience for that stuff any more and I’m not into it
really. Not anymore. So she said, I don’t know what to
tell you. Quite frankly, I don’t know what to tell myself.
I keep depending on other people to make me happy, but I
need to find joy within myself. How? We don’t know. But
that’s what needs to get done.

Here’s what I figure. Forget about everyone, do my own
thing and pick up the phone when someone does call me.
Except, no one ever calls me. Not unless I call them
first. I figure that if I do my own thing. Engulf myself
in my film work, my studies, my work, that’s beyond a full
schedule. But truth is it’s a schedule I put together
myself, and therefore is not fulfilled. I need to get over
this.

What I used to do for fun is go to the woods. Walk in the
woods smell the fresh air, I used to study for fun, think
about things, read books for a day straight, look for good
information on line. Obstacles have been put in the way
for me to do those things, and gosh I just gotta go.