The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
I Don't Know What Day It Is, But...
I'm not sure what Day today is but it might be Day 14.
Whatever it is, it's here and I'm writing.
We broke out silence - my call, I guess, b/c I'm trying to
be superK2 to everyone and failing on all fronts, I think.
I hate seeing people I care about going through bad things
and it seems that if I'm not putting them through bad
things they get themselves into jams or experience horrible
things without me. It makes me feel so fucking lost and
upset and useless and helpless.
So we broke our silence and in one workday span, all the
emotions I've tried so hard for two weeks to distance
myself from came tumbling back with a vengeance. Ended up
in the photocopy room at six o'clock about having a fucking
breakdown. Fucking story of my life. I am the breakdown
girl. Every job I've ever had, I've wondered if they would
fire me b/c I was having a breakdown...or rather, wondered
how long it would take them to fire me b/c of it. Whatever.
Then, last night (20050209), bf and I went out to get him a
movie for his kidlets for today and we did out check-in
exercise that my counsellor guy has instructed us to do and
I just started crying and it's the same old shit over and
over again. I love my bf deeply. I do. It would be
easier if I didn't. But I love him and adore him and he is
my best friend but that's the catch. He's my best friend
and I think that's where we are staying and it's killing
me. He doesn't see it that way. He thinks we are great
together - and we are, b/c best friends are - and he thinks
we'll fix it and everything will work out and I finally
said, I don't know, I don't want to lose having you as my
best friend b/c we tried to make a relationship work that
we shouldn't be in. I told him I always wanted him there
beside me, but I think that it was as best friends. I told
him that I was scared I was going to ruin him and break his
heart and hurt him (and then I really started bawling like
an idiot, when I said I didn't want to hurt him) and I said
that not wanting to hurt him thing at least three times and
he said it would all work out, one way or another and we
pretty much ended up back where we always are. Okay, on an
even-keel until the next time superfuckedupbitch breaks
down. We went home. He did his games. I did my story.
In the car on the way home he said we should write a story
together and I said that would be great so I hope he starts
one soon. We came up with this plan a long time ago (we
used to write together sometimes and it was always fun) so
perhaps this time it'll fly.
I love him. I love him. I love him. I don't know how to
tell if we're just comfortable around each other and that's
that and that's a good thing or if the passion is gone. We
might as well be androgynous (is that the word?) or
androids for how much we ever touch each other. You know
what? I'm not even 28 yet. I don't want to spend (how
pretentious is this to say?...pretentious isn't the right
word, either...) the best years of my sexual life in a
relationship where we have minimal physical contact. I can
spend that time without being in a relationship. I don't
think it's fair and I don't want it. And even if we did
start being more intimate (he claims he wants to but
something always stops us, either me, or him, or his back,
or he's sick, or I'm sleeping or etc., etc., etc.), I don't
know that the passion's there any more. I just don't. I
never wanted to be the kind of girl who lied back and
thought of England. Don't let me turn into that. It's not
fair for anyone...
And the thing that hurts the most is that I am starting to
see that this is a long-term working out of a solution. It
isn't going to come tomorrow, or the next day or the next.
It likely won't even come next month or the month after
that. I can't really wrap my head around the fact that it
might be a year before it's sorted out. I just don't
understand that. He said he thinks things with us are
getting better and I have to say, they are, we are living
together better, but I don't know that it's changed our
level of happiness. If it has, it's minimal - he might be
happier b/c we are calmer togeter, as might I be - but
inside I'm still miserable. Perhaps I'm looking for
something that doesn't exist. I don't know. But I can't
understand either of us staying in a situation like this.
I still contend it's better emotionally for him than for
me, and I do admit it's better financially for me than for
him, but these are not reasons to stay. Frankly, these are
reasons to go.
I'm making no sense and rambling all at once. That's
fantastic. I just don't want to hurt him. I never want to
hurt anyone and I think that's all I do and I hate it and I
don't know how to make it better.
More later, I hope.
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