Remember to Breathe
2005-02-10 13:33:39 (UTC)

37 reasons why things aren't working.

It's been a while, and you haven't written back, so I'm
writing you again. I guess I just feel stuck. Nothing has
worked out the way I have planned. Days go by, and nothing
changes, and time is what I fear the most. It's funny how
the passing of minutes and hours makes people scared, but it
does. I know that you are almost done with college now, and
that makes you nervous as to where you will go and what you
will do with yourself. What makes me nervous is what I'm
doing with myself right now. I drink too much to escape,
and it does nothing in the long run. Everyone is looking
for the same things, essentially, and it has something to do
with comfort. If you aren't comfortable in your current
situation you are bound to be unhappy.
I think of everyone I've dated, and how much I not only miss
them, but what I felt during those times. I felt more
complete, and if that's wrong, and a 1950s mentality, then I
apologize, but I can't wait to be rescued. I'm not even
sure what it is that I want to be rescued from, but in
general I just feel empty without someone to care about. I
don't even care about myself anymore. I want to care.
I listen to all these love songs and try to insert someone
into them, and it just doesn't happen. No one feels these
feelings for me that I see in these lyrics and melodies, and
if they do, I find myself being repulsed by it. What is
wrong with me? I doubt anyone, not only you, can answer that.
You know you have always been a friend to me, no matter how
much time has passed between our interactions, you are on my
mind. I cherish your intellect and look to you in times
like these.
Weeks go by like days, and I grow older and none the wiser.

I wish for something real, and I feel as though everything
up until now and beyond has been a cruel dillusion. The
irony is that usually dillusions are created to fabricate
some sort of happiness. I can't seem to do this.
I wish you would write me back with some words of
encouragement, but it's been almost a month now, and I'm
sure you are busy with your own life, and I don't blame you
for that. Just know that you are on my mind.
I hope to hear from you soon, and although I cannot offer
any sort of advice for you, I would love to keep a
connection open, if not for commiseration, then simply for
friendship, because I lack that true sense of companionship
in every element of my life right now, and I could really
use a friend.
Thanks for your time, even though you will never read this.
(I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight, and all I want to
do is kiss)

Riley is in the hospital.....Jeremy is in love with this
girl, and I only hope for his happiness because I have given
up on him ever feeling for me the way he feels for her. I
am just the girl he uses to not feel lonely. However, in a
way, I use him, too.
"Revenge will bring cold company in this darkest hour."
-Kind Of Like Spitting
"Little Time Bomb"