jelli_beans

Janelle
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2005-02-09 23:44:22 (UTC)

READ THESE THEY R FUNNY PHONE THINGS


Funny Answering Machine Messages


"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you
have to do now? you
guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."


Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you
The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
The roses stink, sorta like sheep
But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten


We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and
you might find out!


"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have
to speak
up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a
message.
BEEP."


You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no
time, where color collides with sound, and shadows
explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary
answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"


This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and
training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be
monitored or recorded, then please let the answering
machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend
me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a
message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the
tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________
Sorry you can't get through
Leave your name and your number
And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and
you'll be heard.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and
will be used by us.

Roses are red booger's are green please leave your message
on this stupid machine .

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a
message, and I'll get back to thee.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep.
If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your
line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you
leave will be broadcast into the future....

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is
why we're not here. So leave a message.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where
you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's
safe for you to come out of hiding.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come
to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe
from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a
nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he
will return your call.

Already know who you are and why you've called, please
hang up after and we tell each other everything.
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for
15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since
you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip
on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a
telephone... The telephone is next to an answering
machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on
the answering machine... You hear a beep...

Ask not for whom the bell tolls,

Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.
Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number,
message, and the time that you called.

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.
So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak
with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I
say?

Bullwinkle Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't
home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO!
[Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.]

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a
chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it
LATER, except for but whatever you have to say to him, you
can tell me. We're VERY close Bwana fella no home now, so
you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek
talkie-talk back real fas'.

Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white
coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they
still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?

C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...
good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a
little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!

Comrades! Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to
learn that your unit has re-established communications.
The entire staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming
operations with other units, but if you leave your unit
name and how we may reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett
will contact you as soon as possible to discuss your
concerns.

Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone.
Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of
the tone.

Dear Caller: As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the
park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are
sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I
was going to stick around this dump?

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think
about it!... Don't...!

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the
sound of the tone, please hang up.

Heaven, God speaking...

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out
there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell
us where YOU saw Elvis!

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and
Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the
French Riviera.

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you
leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will
call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer
all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my
child, and have a nice day.

Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a
new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll
be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of
advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum
cleaner.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were
trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the
other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric,
please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't
guarantee that one of them will call you back—only that I
won't.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you
leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Hello, this is Jason's voice. Jason's not here right now --
hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice? Well, believe you
me, when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words
for him. If you do too, leave them after the beep.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
right now because I've just come back from the Mirror
Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were
to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy
release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.
So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as
soon as my component particles have been restored to their
normal charges.

Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that
yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your
life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave
some other, informative message. Thanks.

Hello, this is Rip van Winkle. I'm not awake to take your
call right now. Please leave your message at the sound of
the snore.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take
a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a
drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like
me to tell me?

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine
is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine
just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her
calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave
your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were
trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the
other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric,
please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't
guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that
I won't.

Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of
a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at
the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.

Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment,
but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our
current works in progress.

BEEP Hello, this is WVKE, you're on the air.

Hello, this is your local zoo. Do you like animals? We are
experiencing severe problems with hot water. Would you be
so kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your
bathroom for a shower? (The most common response: "Well,
sure, but my neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better
equipped to handle elephants.")

Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now.
Please leave your name and number unless of course you are
a salesman or trying to solicit money.

Hello, you have reached the _______ family and we can not
come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, phone
number, short message, social security number, and credit
card number and we will call you when we're done shopping.

Hello, you have reached the _______'s residence; we cannot
reach the phone right now, so please leave a message after
the beep. (Then you find something that makes a beeping
sound, and make the beep sound, then wait 5 seconds, until
they start talking, then make another beep, and do that
over and over.)

Hello, you have reached the automated answering service
for (your name), your message will be answered to in the
order in which it was received, your message is number
8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.

Hello, you've reached 555-1552, the Apartment at the End
of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and
number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet,
extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times.
Enjoy your ride.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really
enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing
it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and
when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.
Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I
find it.

Hello. I'm not at home right now because I'm out making
changes in my life so leave a message and if I don't call
you back, you're probably one of those changes. (BEEP)

Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here
right now, but the phone is.

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my
owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life.
Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and
number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate
that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of
receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,
or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to
charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number
and they will get back to you.

Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who
is this?

Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe
you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not,
leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in
a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name
and number and I'll be thinking about it...

Hi this is ____'s machine. My name is (pause) well that's
not important. (Pause) Ya know it gets very lonely being
here all day. (Pause) maybe you could stay and talk.
(Pause) please talk to me after the beep, please talk to
me after the beep ........... BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi this is Andrew. If you are an ex-girlfriend, suck it up
and move on. If not, I do have a life that is obviously
being used so leave a message and if I have time, ill try
to squeeze you in.

Hi this is Sonny and Attie's machine. Medicare didn’t send
us enough money this month so we are out robbing the
liquor store. If this is the police we are just napping.

hi you've reached the home of (name) also known as 007
agents if you get this machine we are probably saving the
world this tape will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...1...
(BEEP)

Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but
I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh! (Sound of a
paper bag exploding.)

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in
right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library
studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If
this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party.
Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party
and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and
the... Pope. Yeah that's it.

Hi, I am a machine. Why do you hate talking to me? I never
hurt anyone. Can we talk after the beep?

Hi, I am not here right now, but if you are a friend,
leave a message, if you are a creditor you can kiss my
(beep)

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so
you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Jane and Bob with
dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number,
and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're
nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
until I call you back.

Hi, this is Jackie, it hurts me inside to know I missed
your call...OUCH. Leave your painful message after the
beep.

Hi, This is Jenny. Press 1 if you are going to ask me out,
2 if you want to apologize for something, 3 if you just
called to say I am a princess, and 4 if you are going to
say something else.(Will be automatically deleted!) Thanks

Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm
playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please
leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of
Van Halen-1.

Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring
pledge drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60
pledge gets you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt. Please wait
for the tone, and thank you for your pledge.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and
left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.
Life sucks.

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and
left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.
Life sucks.

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but
I'm open to suggestions.

Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine. If you're the
phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll
send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company
advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel
known to man, and several known to monkeys. If you called
for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start
screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get
there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't
help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about
when we're bored.)

Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so
please leave a

Hi, you have reached _(phone number)__ you have a chance
to win one million dollars if you can answer the following
1. What is your name? 2. What is your phone number? 3. Why
did you call this number?

Hi, you have reached Jerry McGuire. Show me the message!
Show me the message!

Hi, you know the drill.

Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are
calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other
obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are
selling any product or service, or requesting charitable
donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise,
press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not
your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and
there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and
down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is
home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a
message.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with
I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
you.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi. This is David. I've shut the ringers off on my phones
and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording
I'm going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I'll play my
messages. Please leave one.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend
me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their
appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer
the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message
after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the
bag.

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Leave a message and
I'll get back to you...

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't
understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I
wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!

I am not home to talk to you, But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number, At the sound of the...

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are
eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the
alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to
you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd
appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name
and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I can't
come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW,
recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while
you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's
NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey—that's a nice
phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number
often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all
the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call
sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I
might even play my beep for you.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in
the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar
bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check
out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how
much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your
message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you
know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or
maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.
One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's
reality, I will call you back.

I know you're out there. I know that you're afraid. You're
afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don’t know the
future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going
to end, I came here to tell you how it’s going to begin.
I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to
show these people what you don’t want them to see. I'm
going to show them a world, without you. A world without
rules and controls. Without borders or boundaries. A world
where anything is possible. Where we go from there, is a
choice I leave to you

I’m sorry, I’ve been trying to break the record for "the
most calls missed" if its a emergency or your dieing or
something, please hold on till the record is broken. And I
will call you back.
If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come
to the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave
your name and number...

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning
our weapons right now and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to
leave us a message.
If you are hearing this tape, then I'm not here now.
Please leave your name, number, D.O.B, address, social
security number, age, height, weight, how many children
you have, what sex you are, your mother’s maiden name, and
the date and time when you called me. If you are still
listening, then whatever you have to say must be very
important. Please leave a message after the beep.

I'm gone.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.
So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a
shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you
don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to
deal with me in person.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave
your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as
I'm here in person.

I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am
leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take
messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice
tune while you wait to not leave a message.
I'm sorry; my answering machine is out of order. May I
take a message?

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having
an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right
behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me
a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you
to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be
honest. This is for posterity.

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH!
Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't
work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the
all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it
slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you
pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and
number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return
phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!
is so much better & that’s why they're not here. All I can
say is leave me a

Just put on a recording of a busy signal.

Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little
smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't
that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your
phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

let the machine get it.

like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid
speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just
leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon
as possible.

Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid
speaking. I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just
leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon
as possible .

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your
message with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type,
and date of expiration. I'll get back to you pending
credit approval. Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone
Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only
$0.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at
the tone...

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak, his "Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72."
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called,
and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to
you if we like the color.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 2.05.
Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

Rub-a-dub-dub, Just got in the tub, Rick is out playing;
the kids are misbehaving, and can't come to the phone.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave
your name and number after the tone. If you are calling
regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message
BEFORE the tone.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? --
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing
frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come
to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone
number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon
as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National
Enquirer.

Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name...

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Susan and I are not here right now. We're in the bathroom
having some fun. She likes it up and down and I like it
back and forth. Leave a message at the beep and we'll get
back to you as soon as we're finished brushing our teeth.
Thank you.

Thank you for calling 555-2322. If you wish to speak to
Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to
speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you
have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is
a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we
have a big time phone system.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come
to the phone right now, and the elves are out back
barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your
Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no
diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of
capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short
description of secrets you wish to sell.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father
Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your
name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back
to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember,
confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your
sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy
Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...
er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh...
Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not
commit a bear... Dern...

Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline. All of our
operators are busy at the moment. If you would like, leave
a brief message after the tone, and someone will get back
to you... When hell freezes over.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and
Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have
specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable
to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and
address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as
soon as possible.

Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our
operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to
make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and
the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and
something will get back to you shortly. Your help will
enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from
the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in
the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course,
reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now.
However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch
you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our
assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and
number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon
as possible.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the
phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name
and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and
tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following
words: orange... mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get
back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000
volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this
small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit
and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!

The President is not in his office at this time. Please
leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you
wish to invade, and the secret password.

These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its
two semester mission: To seek out your name and your
telephone number.

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got
promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave
a message at the beep.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out
there... (Long silence...) BEEP

This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's
not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives
here. You can leave a message though.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine
Broadcast System. This is only a test.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do
to... I mean, do FOR you.

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your
name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your
message will implicate you in a federal crime and be
brought to the attention of the FBI.

This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

This is Fred. We are not... excuse me a moment, please.
Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of
window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get
back to you later.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can
reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using
today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline.
After the tone, sing "Vesti la Giubba" and "La Donna e
Mobile."

This is the National Security Emergency Password
Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call
the CIA with today's password. Today's password is "baby
booties."

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your
you-know-what you-know-when.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately
resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from
time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know
when the next miracle occurs.
to get away from you!"

Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they
dialed long distance.)

voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE
ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a
message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.

We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed
in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message
anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

We're not in cause we're out LOOTING! Leave a message and
we'll call you back and tell you what we got.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that
silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey,
what are you cooking? It smells good.

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian
Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will
be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play
your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit
it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for
listening to our show.

You have reached 555-1234. This is an answering machine.
This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached 555-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to

leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be
recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the
machine did not work.

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process
your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer
system performed a trace on your number and was able to
match it with our list of important callers.

None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except
for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your
name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank
you for calling and have a nice day.

You have reached our secret underground hideaway. I'm
afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to
save the Planet from boring answering machine messages,
but if you know what The Shredder has done to April
O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number
and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet!
Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has
checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping
noise and you can speak freely.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored
for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be
able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no
charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of
professional extortionists will contact you in the near
future to further explain the benefits of our service, and
to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our
agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth
and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name
and number can be left at the tone and a representative
will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your
assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the
ultimate blenstron.

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right
now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and
target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we
can. And have a nice day.

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our
lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number,
someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean,

You just dialed into the North American Air Defense
Contract Center. Stand by at the tone to give coordinates
and destination of incoming bogey. TNR Surveillance will
scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-urgent.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they
really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."
That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
suffer through another long answering machine message when
you call me...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You
feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your
willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you
hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave
your name, number, and a message.

You've called our number, but we don't care. If we did,
we'd be here. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll
call u back, when your not home.

You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied
up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back
to you with your penance.

(Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch
to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on
drugs. (Silence...) Any message?

(Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
Hello. Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.
(Raspy gasp.) We can't come to the phone right now because
we're making a couple of adjustments. (Break a few small
twigs; big scream.) Please leave your name and number and
we'll get back to you as soon as it is humanly possible.
Thank you very much.

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-
two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin'
machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody
got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em,
but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht
leave a message. Thanks a lot.

(Frantic violin music:) Hello. You have reached 555-3949.
We are currently unable to answer because we are either
chasing, or being chased by, bats. Please leave a message.

(French monologue in the background:) Around the world
today, millions still speak French as either a first or
second language. But with your continued support and help,
we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a
message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
(From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I
call sooner!

(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello,
Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of
Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore
answering other calls, but if you will leave your name,
number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our
vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly,
clearly, and in tongues.

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of
Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can
you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of
the tone? Sure... I knew you could.

(In a good Australian accent:) G'day mate. Can't come to
the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this
crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

(In British voice) Hello! I'll be eating lunch on my
yacht, but I might be able to clear my schedule if you’d
like to do something.... leave me a pleasant message after
the beep.

(In Joe Friday voice:) This is Constable Augie of the
Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line
you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a
warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To
facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you
leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any
affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with
communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.
(In the background can be heard springs creaking and
various moans; husky, soft female voice is best:) Hi...

You've just reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace. We're all
busy as I'm sure you can tell, but when we're done...
we'll get back to you in whatever way we can.

(Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone
right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the
trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little...
(Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your
name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If
not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New
Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my
name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a
411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed
more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return
your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX,
ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

(Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:") "I ain't home, I
ain't home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't
home."
(Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":) Thinking
you were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead
reached... (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE! Leave your
name and number, and we will get back to you as soon as we
can.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:)
Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the
phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number
and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due
to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of
village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters.
However, if you leave your name, number, and a message,
any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce
begins.

(Militaristic mechanical voice:) FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-
HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-
ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the
middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in
vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the
middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds!
Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in
vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

(Noble, aristocratic voice:) Yes, one million dollars
COULD be yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number,
and the reason WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich
and Famous! If this is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael
Jordan, or Princess Di, just leave your VISA number and
expiration date, and we will definitely get back to you!

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me
your name and number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the
fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you
say you live?

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of
Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan
ritual. So please leave a message. Unless you're a virgin,
in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI
ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

(Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":) Hi,
you've reached Hell. (Screams in the background.) We're
busy being cleaned by the light of eternal truth right
now, so if you leave your name, number, and a brief
message, we'll get back to you at the end of time.

(or)

(Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":) You have reached 555-8783.
Please leave a message. ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe... When I pick
up the phone... There's still... Nobody home.")

(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped
in a world without time, where sound collides with color
and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this
is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have
reached, "The Twilight Phone".

(Sinister organ music:) Hello, you have reached the Brown
residence. You now have two choices. Number one, you may
leave a message. (Angelic "Hallelujah!") Or number two,
suffer eternal damnation. (Horrid death scream.) You
decide.

(Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the
Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the
phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it
exists. Leave a message.

(Sultry female voice:) Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor
of Delights. We would be delighted if you would leave your
name, number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us
the wrong way...

(Theme from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" in the background:)
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll
get back to you.

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:)
Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone
now, as he's quite tied up. (Sounds of struggle in
background, and voice heard through a gag.) I should know.
I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll
return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking
of things that are not free, we now have this word from
our sponsor...

(Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right
now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your
name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars
in a brown paper bag.

(To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for
calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation
to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will
automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would
like to leave a message... (To the tune of "Heartbreak
Hotel" with appropriate music:) I just left home baby,
I'll be out fer a spell, and if you don't leave a message
baby, you can go to BEEP

(To the tune of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana:)
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here,
No one's home, Leave a message, At the tone. Don't feel
stupid, Its no big fuss, Leave a message, You can reach
us.

(US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice:) Uhh, hello...
I'm, uhhh, ohhhhhh... (Pause.) Well, anyway, I'm here to
answer the telephone on behalf of... erm... uhhhh...
ermmm... (Pause.) I mean, he can't come to talk to you
right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh,
the uhhhh... the uhhhhhh... BEEP.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave
your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then
dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you
want to leave your name and just a message, press star,
press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the time you
called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1
twice, talk loud and BEEP.

(Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies
and noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":) We're not
here now, We're not here now, Don't hang up, Don't hang
up, Leave your name and number, Leave your name and
number, We'll call back, We'll call back.

(With loud music playing in the background) "Hello...
HELLO?? I can't hear you! What?

(With strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached
the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently
meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline
you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I
will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars
align properly.

(Woman, seductively:) Hi, I'm Linda. You know, it can be
really lonely when you're a fashion model. Sometimes I
just have to... (Interrupting:) Oh come on Linda, give me
the damn phone... (Ask them to leave a message.)

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don't
you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

[Deadpan voice] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message
as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound
of the tone.

[Drunken voice] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not
able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if
you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder...
pa-a-a-a!

[In a bored voice] Heaven, God speaking...

[in a computer generated voice] Hello, there are no real
people here to answer the phone right now.

[in a computer generated voice] Leave your name, telephone
number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and
we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get
back.

[Lots of phone pick-up noise] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was
just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give
me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the
fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you
say you live?

[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice] Hello,
this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right
now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we
decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.

[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come
to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this
crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please
leave a massage—my shoulders really could use it, and...
What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

[Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the
final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad's
answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out
your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly
inform you to wait for the tone.

[Very fast] Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave
your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then
dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you
want to leave your name and just a message, press star,
press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message. If you want to leave your number and the time you
called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1
twice, talk loud and BEEP.

[Voice 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [Voice 2] I'm
sorry, Dave, I can't do that.


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