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2005-02-09 22:46:45 (UTC)

running with scissors

i feel crazy today. i smoked 13 cigarettes in a row and
then threw up and then came to bed and shivered for an
hour, and then, interestingly enough, felt like eating.
actually i've been feeling like utter shit for quite
awhile. i don't know why exactly. yesterday i was trying
to not talk to anyone, not even online, but people kept
calling me (and by people i mean inna) and i hung out with
her but was just a bitch. and then i came back and
couldn't sleep so i went online for a bit, thinking i
couldn't do much harm if no one else was around and then
snooze showed up but i think it was ok. ehhh. whatever. i
posting some fucked up shit today though. i really wish i
hadn't but i'm too lazy to undo it. i think today would be
a good day to not go online. i keep eating even though i'm
not hungry at all. i just crave the act of eating. purely
mechanical. its sick. i'm still really sad. bland wouldn't
talk to me at all last night- er, night before, whatever-
even though he talked to natalie and inna both for a long
time. i knew i fucked up. another friend down the tubes.
lizzy and i can hardly carry on a conversation anymore.
the only friends i'm capable of keeping are inna and
natalie. i wonder when they'll tire of me. soon, i'm sure.
friends just aren't a thing i'm supposed to have. this
summer was an anomaly, i don't know what else to say. i'm
fuckin flunking out of school. shit, i just... i'm being
such a fucking wasteful bitch about everything, and yet
somehow i manage to ignore that fact and cry because i can
never see morrissey. god. i belong in some kind of
hospital. i wish someone would just lock me up. I'M A
FUCKIN CRAZY DO YOU HEAR ME!? as morrissey might say...
freedom is wasted on me. sometimes i just wanna disappear.
but then realize that there are people that care about
me... i know there are. but... why should i stay alive
just because some other people might be slightly
disillusioned if i were to die? i'm the one who has to
live in this life that i've fucking destroyed. thats the
thing. its my own FUCKING FAULT. no one elses. just mine.
so i should deal with the consequences. but i always wanna
take the easy way out. and right now suicide seems like
the easy way out. why am i such a fucking weak person?
i've never been able to deal with the consequences of
FUCK. i just want someone to hold me and tell me its gonna
be ok. thats all i've ever wanted. but no one will ever do
that because its not gonna be ok and no one can feel bad
for the position i'm in because its my own goddamned
fault. but of course bland is in the same fucking position
and they can all feel plenty bad for him. poor bland... he
ruined his life but he's bland and we all love him so
we're gonna feel sorry for him anyways. jen... she's such
an idiot. she needs to stop fucking around. and thats the
way it will always be. like julia is a
fucking "legitimate" reason even though he fucking makes
fun of paul all the time for the natalie thing which is
basically the same fuckin situation. but of course i have
no situation at all so i'm just being lazy. i don't want
to be this way, really. i want to get through all of this
and have a job and a husband and a life. but i can't
work... it just doesn't seem important and whenever i try
i just become completely drained of energy and i get angry
so easily and if something is hard for me to do i just get
really angry so i can't think at all and then i stare at
the ceiling instead of doing work. i don't think this
whole college thing is a good idea. but maybe i'm just
being fuckin melodramatic and theres actually nothing
wrong besides my own laziness. in which case i have to
deal with the consequences. ie, becoming a bum on haight
street. i can see that happening. i've no experience, no
way of getting a job. but because of my weakness of
character i'd probably just end up killing myself. i might
as well just do it right now, i don't know. i don't see
how my being alive is helping anyone at all... and if i'm
dead i can't flunk. i mean, where is my life going here? i
can't see it going anywhere. i have a few friends, but
they'd get over it. the 'rents have other kids, its not
like i'm an only child. i'm too awkward to make any sort
of romantic relationship work. i'm too lazy to acheive any
scholarly success. the only thing i'm acheiving by being
alive is wasting my parents money. and its a lot of money.
money that they can't even fucking afford. but i'm too
fucking scared, i keep expecting someone to come rescue me
from everything and just have this perfect life without
having to do anything to get there. and THATS the most
fucked up immature thing of all. i don't deserve to be
alive. its true, i don't, i don't have a single fucking
redeeming quality. but i'm too scared to kill myself.
unless something dramatic happens i probably never will.
i'm a fucking leech. i just wanna live off other people my
whole life. thats so cruel and selfish. i don't deserve
anything, i don't deserve to breath. i'm such a fucking
bitch. could i be any more of a bitch? i'm a fucking
spoiled brat. i can't do shit for myself. i can't take
responsibility for anything. i hate everything about
myself. i will never be successful at anything and i've no
one but myself to blame. and instead of doing something
about it i'm just sitting her WHINING. WHAT THE FUCK!?

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