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2005-02-09 18:24:50 (UTC)

Bad Thoughts

I been thinking about ending the pregnancy. I've realized
that if I have this baby on my own, I'll never make it. It
would be best for my daughter and me. I would be able to
afford us living on our own and it would be easier without
a newborn. I know it's wrong and I never thought in my
wildest dreams I would do something like this. I've always
been against stuff like this, but what can I do? Give it up
for adoption, that wouldn't work because my husband and my
family would not let that happen. So then I guess I'm
suppose to work full-time, raise a 6 year old and a newborn
by myself, and be able to afford a 3 bedroom apartment and
a babysitter. It would never work. I make barely enough to
take care of myself. People keep telling me that I'll get
child support. That's fine but it probably won't be enough
and I'll have all the physical and mental strain of a
newborn. I can't do it. The more I think about it, the more
I pray for the baby to go away. This baby wasn't made out
of love. It was made out of stupidity. If I had known how
he really felt about me I would have never went off the
pill. I'm starting to resent it. Now what kind of mom can I
be if I feel this way about it. I don't want it anymore,
just like I'm starting to think I don't want my husband
anymore. He don't love me. I keep fooling myself into
thinking that he does, but deep down I think I already know
how he feels. All a baby will do is complicate things for
everyone. I know I would feel terrible if I do this but
it's for the best. I figure I could play it off as a
miscarriage. He wouldn't know and probably wouldn't care
anyways. I've already planned it on the 25. If he hasn't
given me an answer or has decided to leave me then this
will be the day it happens. It also gives me time to decide
if this is for the best or not. I don't want to do this,
but like I said it probably be for the best. I have to go
now. I just can't talk about this anymore.

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