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2005-02-08 13:34:48 (UTC)

Just Another Day

That's what I keep telling myself. Just another day.
Another day to be miserable, to feel alone. I feel sick and
I'm tired all the time. This morning I get up and I went to
brush my teeth. For some reason the toothpaste made me sick
and I threw up. Of course there was nothing but stomach
acid coming up because I can't eat. My husband(or better
yet, my soon to be ex-husband)asked me if I was alright. I
said yes. Later on he asked me what's wrong. I felt like
saying what do you think, I'm pregnant and my husband is
probably going to leave me, so what do you think is wrong?
Instead I just said I don't feel good. I mean what good
would it do to say that. All it will do is push him farther
way. I just want us to get along right now. But I tell you
what, if he tells me the marriage is over I'll probably
loose it. I don't know what I'll say or do exactly, but I
do know it won't be anything good. Yesterday I came home
and cleaned, watched GH, and then went and got my daughter.
I picked us up some Arby's and headed home. Mind you that
he has been at home all this time and has not come
downstairs and not said anything to me. I finally gave in
and go upstairs to ask him if he's ok. He says no that he's
frustated. I ask why and he says his therapy got canceled
today, and that he goes tomorrow. I said well you will
still get in though. He says he don't even know why he's
doing this because he thinks it won't help. So I ask him
why he's goes, he says I don't know. So we're back to
square one. I feel like nothing is going to change. I feel
like I'm going to be alone no matter what. I sometimes
really wish this baby would go away. It would be so much
easier to move on if it was just me and my daughter. I
could get my mom to take her to school and pick her up,
continue working were I'm at and get my own place. I would
only need a two bedroom apartment instead of a three
bedroom. The price of a three bedroom is almost as much as
my house payment. Plus all the money it takes to take care
of a baby is unreal! Why Lord why, why must I be pregnant
right now. It is the last thing this family needs. Hell
there might not be a family by the end of the month. Please
Lord make this baby go away if my marriage is ending. I
can't do this by myself. It will be hard enough to be on my
own with my daughter, let alone a newborn. You know I want
another baby, but not without my husband. If I had any idea
this was going to happen I would have never gotten off the
pill. He hid things from me and I don't think it's fair
that all of us has to suffer for his irreponseablity.
Please Lord let this end soon. I'll do anything, just show
me something. Show me what to do. Show my husband what to
do, just please don't it be that he don't love me anymore.
I miss him and he says he misses me, so please let us find
our way back to each other, please.