2005-02-08 09:00:32 (UTC)


I don't really understand what is going on here. I miss
him soooooo much, but I'm to scared to talk to him, to call
him. I don't know if he feels like I betrayed him, and if
it is like that, then he is so wrong, because I am the one
who has been betrayed. Yes I am sick, but he doesn't need
to treat me, as if I have the plage. He wont get it, by
being with me. Hell, I've had to learn to deal and cope
with what is happening to me, and you have no idea, what
that does to a person, and to make matters worse, I'm
having a baby. So yeah, my life fawked up. However, I want
him to talk to me. Like the night in Jackson :) where he
had gotten us a room, so we could have more privacy. He
didn't make me feel one bit bad about ANYTHING with my
pregnancy and lord knows I was embarassed about some things
and he would laugh and hug me. Or the time that we rented
a movie and we juss curled up on the couch together and
watched it. That is the ONLY time, we have WATCH anything,
every other time we've tried and we got pre-ocupied :). Not
my fault he is fine as hell (hehe). He has made me feel
things that I have not felt since being with Tommy, and for
me that's a lot. I'm not to sure what to do anymore. When
my brother died, all I wanted to do was call Shane. I
wanted him to make it all better, I wanted to hear his
voice if nothing else, and when I did, I felt a lil better,
it would of been different if he could have been able to be
with me, but I knew and understood that he couldn't be here
with me, but I thought that for sure, I was in his thoughts
and I'm pretty sure that I was, because when he got home
from work, the day of the funeral, he called to check on
me, and it made me feel sooooo much better.
I haven't known feelings like this since I've been with
Tom and now I have them for Shane, I just pray to GOD that
I can either over come this (again) or he comes back to me.
For I do love him.

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