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2005-02-08 03:15:46 (UTC)

She isn't as high and principaled as she makes herself to be...

It’s been a while since I’ve written here, but really
nothing has changed, I still love her. A few developments
did occur. A friend informed her about a website about us I
had made back in December as a welcome back gift. I did not
advertise the site nor did I inform her, but my friend
meaning to do well contacted her and told her about the
existence of the website hoping it may have my love realize
how much I love her.

The reaction she was hoping for was far from the one that
was received. For one she actually contacted the local
police authorities who contacted me and asked for the
removal of this site which I complied but kept a copy,
after all I put quite a bit of time on the site and do plan
on making use of it as some later time (with the
appropriate modifications of course). I am disappointed in
her because from my understanding she agreed to terms my
friend had stipulated, which she did not respect from the
beginning. The stipulations as I understand them were

1. No mention of their conversations was to be
revealed to anyone.
2. No information given to her was to be used against
3. She was to be truthful and honest with my friend

My friend trusted my love based on my expressing how
she was, and how she was a good person one that you could
trust implicitly. I guess I was wrong. Looks like she isn’t
that upstanding as the call from the Hamilton Police
certainly indicated she broke the first and second
stipulations she had agreed to. Part of me is saddened by
her actions and part of me is happy because she has shown
me that she isn’t all that upstanding. I understand that
she had no wish to communicate with me, but she could have
asked my friend who informed her in the first place to have
me remove it… instead she shut my friend out cutting any
communication between us. I suspect these actions were made
out of anger, but they were certainly not smart, and yet
she is a smart woman… perhaps I misjudged her perhaps she
is not the woman I thought her to be perhaps she never
loved me but rather an image of me and when the crack
showed on the image, she did a 180.

Admittedly, my disappointment does impact my appreciation
of her, and wonder how she can be so angered at me for
having deceived her when she deceived and manipulated my
friend without and so much as batting an eyelash. I have to
wonder how it is I can misjudge women so. Indeed she is not
the only one I have misjudged. She no longer is on my
pedestal, she no longer is perfect, and she has lost the
right to reproaching me for having deceived her as she
herself deceived my friend. Perhaps it was my friend’s
intention all along to show me that she was not as high and
might as she professed herself to be. Whatever the case, I
still love her but now I see her for who she is, and if my
image of her has cracks in it as well I can easily say that
I love her still, mine is a love she is unconditional, mine
is a love that forgives, and nurtures, mine is a love that
believes in hope and a happy ending. Some friends who are
aware of her latest actions have plainly said that if we
ever came back together, they would cease their friendship
with me and of course my love (not that is matters to her
as she does not know them).

My letter of January 23rd, in which I had placed a self
addressed stamped envelop for her to return my house key
has gone unanswered. From talking to postal employees, it
takes about three days for the letter to travel from
Montréal to Hamilton and an other three days for the
return letter, taking into account weekends and a day or
two for an action on her part, I should have received the
key, but I have not. I have to wonder why that is, I mean
her words were very clear that she did not wish to have me
in her life, and yet she keeps the key, which I told her to
keep until a time she was certain she would not use it. My
friends are urging me to contact the Hamilton Police to
have them collect the key and send it back to me, but being
en route for Denver I elected to wait for my return to
Montreal before deciding on an action. There is the
possibility that the key no longer exists, in which case
all she has to do is insert a little note saying she threw
it away. I do not know what to think of this. Is she still
uncertain? Is this why I have not yet received the key?
Did she destroy it? Why is she enjoying keeping me in the
dark on this matter? Will I have to resort to actions
against her as she took against me? Personally I still
think there is hope.

Honestly there are people a lot worst off than I or my
love. On the flight from Montreal to Atlanta, I met a young
woman, who had moved from Europe to be with her love (they
both moved from Europe together). She left a good job, a
good life for him, and five months later she is without a
home without means, without any idea as to what she will
do. I would never have done that, throwing out someone like
that no matter how much I make dislike the person… in fact
that is the reason my love and I are no longer together, I
could not throw out my roommate, feeling some sense of
responsibility for her. Today, I regret not having done it
because I am miserable, but I also know that if the
situation was before me once more with the same
circumstances, I know I could not do it because I would
feel guilty. I think my love, was more upset at this aspect
than my having deceived her about my roommates existence.
While we did entertain a relationship it was non sexual and
I had not “love” for my roommate (I once did many years
before as we did have a relationship in the past).

I can only remain true to my love, and hope that one day
soon she will see me for who I am without emotions such as
anger or her friends clouding her judgment. She maintains
she took the decision on her own but I know that if certain
friends did not exist and we all know who they are, she
would be back in Montreal building a home with me. It’s
been three months since I have had any physical
relationship with a woman, my love knows how sexual I am
least twice daily while she was with me), and so I suspect
she can appreciate my abstinence more than most. I do admit
it was rather easy at first as my libido went from 100% to
0% in no time flat as no other woman excited me. Today, I
can appreciate a good looking woman; still I only want my
love. I have begun to masturbate twice daily (sometimes
more) while thinking of my love.

Funny how when I meet new women online, the first thing I
tell them about is my current situation, and my current
love, it is only fair that they know as I would not want
them to think I was leading them on… I do flirt still but
nothing compromising as they are all aware of my heart
belonging to someone else. Still it is nice to flirt again.
What most amazes me is how the women have reacted.
Honestly, I tell them the whole truth being very clear that
I am to blame, I would have expected them to run away
thinking I was a pariah, a disgusting human being, instead
they all offer compassion, they all offer assistance, they
all stand by my side. I thank them all and sometimes think
I do not deserve their solicitude.

Well in retrospect I think there might have been more to
write about than I first suspected. It’s been three weeks
since I’ve been on bondage, and to be quite honest I’m not
sure I want to return, knowing she is there, makes me feel
like shit, makes me feel like I did a month ago. I wonder
if she will ever forgive me. I don’t know why but her
forgiveness is very important to me, and so long as she
does not communicate with me I will never know. I think
that is what makes me most sad at this point, I miss
her but I hate knowing that she hates me. Many tell me let
her go and she may come back, I tried that and it only
contributed in her hating me more. I went back and forth
from moving on to attempting to win her back wasting time,
energy and resources with no tangible result.

I realize that my seesawing back and forth did not help my
cause. She is convinced I’m not mentally stable, saying I’m
suffering from some sort of stalking syndrome
called “Emotional delusional stalking” or something to that
effect. Personally I think she is not capable of dealing
with someone who loves her as much as I do. So she comes up
with all these medical afflictions to give credence to her
perception of the situation. But in reality, all I am is a
man in love, an unconditional love. Love is not a disease,
and believing in love, living it as I do is not an
affliction, but rather a revelation which makes life worth

Everyday I put on the tag she wore as my slave girl,
everyday she is with me in my heart, in my mind, and
everyday, the thought of her makes me smile. She may not be
able to deal with the kind of love I have for her, but I
have embraced it and don’t plan on betraying it. Now I
realize that someday if she does not come back I will be
intimate with another woman; I don’t see myself being
celibate for the remainder of my life unless a higher power
decides it is my time to leave my corporal being is
sometime soon. But I do know that there is a difference in
being sexual with someone and being in love with someone.
What I do suspect is that I will not be capable of
entertaining a loving long term relationship because of
this, after all what woman would want to enter into a
relationship where the man loves another. So the best I can
hope for in the years to come, should my love not come
is a series of intimate friendship without any real
consequence. Sounds shallow, but honestly if my baby does
not come back I fear that is what the future holds for me.

Well I’m running out of things to say, I feel much better
when I write and I hope that my love does read my journal,
perhaps she will see me for who I am and not what she
thinks I am.

I love you babygirl

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