Types Of Friends
Wants to control others by orders, i.e. by virtue of
his/her authority, position, status, or rank. Such a
person believes he/she knows what is right and what you
Controls or defies authority by using his/her weakness,
sometimes in powerful ways, such as "Oh, I forgot," "I
didn't understand," "I just can't do it," or "I'm so
nervous." This is passive-aggressiveness.
Sees the world as a contest of wits. He/she is constantly
plotting, conning, pressuring, persuading, selling,
seducing, or trying to outwit others.
The clinging vine
Wants to be cared for, dependent, submissive, and
faithful. As a helpless, grateful, cuddly child, he/she
gets others to do a lot for him/her.
Uses his/her anger, toughness, viciousness, and threats to
intimidate others and get his/her way. The "tough guy"
and "the bitch" are common characters.
What can you do about being manipulated?
First, recognize what is happening.
Second, stand up for your rights. Think and decide for
yourself; assert yourself. Build your self-esteem so that
you are not overly dependent on others.
What if you are the manipulator?
Controllers or manipulators use five basic methods of
persuading or influencing others (Kipnis & Schmidt, 1985):
(1) Carefully stating the reasons and logic for changing,
(2) assertively reminding and urging someone to change,
(3) soliciting others to support your proposals,
(4) going over someone's head to get support from "higher
(5) working out a deal so you get part of what you want.
Naturally, different leaders use different methods:
(1) the "steam rollers" go for broke and aggressively use
all the methods-- they won't take no for an answer, and
may even threaten, shout, and demand,
(2) the "rational ones" rely only on hard facts, logical
analysis, careful plans, and compromise,
(3) the "pleasers" actively persuade others but
mostly "politic," focusing on offering "pay offs,"
flattery, and personal charm, and
(4) the "onlookers" mostly stay out of the controversy.
In a second study, Schmidt and Kipnis (1987) found that
the "steam rollers" got the lowest job evaluations,
contrary to what is taught by some Business Schools.
Male "steam rollers" were disliked even more than
female "steam rollers," contrary to the common notion that
pushy women are the most resented. Sexism does occur,
however, when you ask, "Who got the best job
evaluations?" "Rational" men and "Pleaser" or "Onlooker"
Conclusion: men's ideas and women's quiet pleasantness are
valued, not women's ideas nor men's pleasant passivity.
Note what methods you use to influence people in different
situations. Consider the possible advantages of using the
rational approach. Nasty aggressive tactics put others
down while soft tactics may put you down. Practice
relating to others as intelligent, reasonable equals and
in a manner whereby both of you can be winners.